In the previous two posts I talked about the importance of saying the names of the dead and giving the gift of listening to survivors. I am closing out this series by discussing the wrongness of saying “you were lucky” to survivors of horrific events. Whether the person involved walked away unscathed or sustained horrific injuries, we seem to want to assign their survival to luck or chance. Is mankind (or womankind) really that shallow, thoughtless or afraid to think about death long enough to appreciate that the lost soul in front of us is wrestling with unimaginable ‘will’ questions that are probably ripping him/her apart? I am pretty sure they are not saying to themselves, “Yup, it was luck that kept me alive. It sucks that the others were unlucky!” No, they are asking themselves complex What If, Why and Man’s Will, God’s Will (Chapter’s 13, 14 and 18) questions that will push their thought processes to almost intolerable and unimaginable limits!
I know what you are saying. “Lorene, you are making this out to be far more complicated than it need be or why can’t it be simply luck?” Well, if that were the case, then everything that happens to you (good or bad) on this earth is not determined by will but by, what, happenstance? Are our choices and the choices of those around us a waste of time because your life is ruled by not only your luck but the luck of the person driving next to you or the guy in the cubicle beside you in your office? I am sorry, but I believe humans are here to learn far more than our five sense world allows. Or do we exist like feathers in the wind? We are powerful beings put on this earth to be significant entities capable of contributing great things to our world and the people in it. Our frail and vulnerable bodies are just the necessary vehicles lent to us in order to allow for free will, and perhaps more important, God’s will, to influence the who, what, when, when and why of our life (and death) experience during our journey. Luck? It plays no part in my life past, present or future.
Strangely enough, I don’t hear those words when everyone survives an unimaginable event. Apparently luck is not present when no one dies. I guess everyone is unlucky then…go figure!
Please don’t tell a survivor they were lucky they lived when others died. You might think you are comforting them but you are not. Whether that individual chooses Man’s will or God’s will as their eventual solace, they went through hell…there is no such thing as luck in that kind of hell. You might want to think about skipping the “you were so lucky” words the next time you are looking to empathize with a survivor, at least until they introduce that perspective themselves. Some may never see luck embedded in their experience, others might do so over time. Either way, it is up to them to turn these particular unspeakable words into speakable ones if that is what they need to do in order to successfully manage grief within their lifetime ahead.
