During the past few months I have been asked this question, “What should I say?” way too often. Sadly folks come to me when the death is unimaginable. I don’t mind being approached and am for sure okay with providing the best answer I can, it just sucks that the question has to be asked in the first place.
While my level of unimaginable understanding comes from my experience with Kalei’s death in a car crash, I believe any death that does not fall under the normal circle-of-life (live long and die elderly) falls into that category. While I don’t mean to minimize the grief over an elders death — they were a big part of our lives after all — but deep down inside we known our human bodies have a time limit that won’t be denied and that makes their death imaginable.
On the other hand, when the death is untimely, oh so wrong or not part of the circle-of-life, it is beyond our comprehension to imagine it. That lack of understanding makes the dead words impossible to understand (hence automatically spelling d-e-a-d after Kalei’s name when first told of her death). It also makes it difficult for the grieving to say what they need and for those trying to help them, what you should say to properly convey comfort and support.
Because I lived the question and answers (to be honest, some made me want to either hit them over the head, say something really mean or huddle in a corner and cry), analyzed what worked and what did not and then wrote about it, I expect to be approached by people who read FKM. Just everyday folks who want to help so badly, they put their grief/pain/discomfort/old norms aside to ask someone who knows, “What should I say?”
People like the aunt of the young man who recently committed suicide or an old friend of my daughters who had to go to yet another funeral of a young person killed in a car crash. While my heart aches for all involved and the question is never easy because of the stories that come with it and I am taken back in my time, I believe it is my responsibility to provide whatever grief knowledge I have gained over the past almost 16 years.
First, the kindest and most loving words you can say are these: “I am so sorry”. That’s it! Do not embellish this sentence with anything else. No adding on annoying grief sayings such as “for your loss” or “I can’t imagine” or “she/he was too young” or heaven forbid, “they are in a better place”. Less is more when it comes to those four words. If that is all you can muster or there is social time for, leave it at that. You will receive a thank-you but not much else besides perhaps a continuous stream of tears.
That is okay. It is their grief, not yours and perhaps tears are the only way they can communicate at this point in their new world and different life. Remember, you can’t stop the tears or give comfort by adding on more traditional comfort words. Not only can they hurt in an unimaginable death but odds are the person you are talking to shuts you out and quits listening the moment you start down that path.
If however, you are in a situation where a longer conversation is possible (early on or months/years later), you can introduce four more: “Tell me about Kalei.” I use Kalei’s name in this sentence to drive home the point that it is REALLY important for you to say the name of the loved one who died. And please, please, please, please, after that, stop talking! If you keep going on because you are nervous and uncomfortable, you can’t give the grieving the gift I know you want to give them because it is one they desperately need in order to turn unimaginable into imaginable…permission to speak and someone to listen to them.
Now, I must tell you that you may receive more/different information than you expected or are comfortable with. For the newly grieving, the most recent events in their loved ones life are the one they are going to talk about first. During the first month after Kalei died, I talked about her life in the weeks and days before her death and then the day of, hours and minutes leading up to the crash whenever I was asked about her.
As explained in the book, my need to talk about the details of my child’s death was as important as that need for her birth. Even with powerful memories, we seem to need repetition to lock particular ones into our memory banks so time can’t damage them and they stay crystal clear forever. Unfortunately for you, that means a whole lot of details surrounding the actual death. When that happens, sucks to be you, but your discomfort is nothing compared to the hell they are going through. If they can handle living with those words for the rest of their lives, you can handle hearing about them for just a tiny part of yours.
Some stories will not be told to everyone in the same way so don’t be offended if you get nothing or the Readers Digest version of events. Even in my grief, I knew I had to filter some information. Just like the mom of the young man killed in the car crash or the moms, dads, husbands, wives, etc. of those killed in Manchester or London terrorist attacks, there will be end of life secrets they will have to keep to themselves. I so badly wanted to share every detail of Kalei’s death in the same way I did her birth but her body was so decimated by the crash that information was too much for me to handle on most days let alone anyone else.
While I held back the worst parts from everyone, I still needed to tell SOMEONE just how my Sweetie Pie died! Sandy and Jack filled that void for me. I could say words to them that I knew would mentally and emotionally injure others. If you can find the strength in yourself to be that person for grieving, tell them you are okay with their loved one’s story…all of it.
On some days, I simply did not want to talk about her death so I changed the subject. On other days I said nothing at all because I was so deep in La La Land connecting with my child’s spirit I wanted nothing to do with even the most loving regular universe conversation.
Now, just so you know, after the initial grief phase, like me, most of the grieving don’t go into that level of detail or necessarily introduce their dead loved one in every conversation. I certainly don’t insist on telling Kalei life and death stories to everybody I meet or every time I run into an old friend. Just like any regular universe person, some days I want to talk about the love of my life and some days I don’t. If it feels right I do, if not I don’t. But what is consistent is regardless of circumstance or how long it has been since Kalei died, I always love it when I get to hear her name on someone else’s lips.
That is a gift that I personally hope keeps on giving.
So, from my perspective, the answer to this important question is not really that difficult. First offer a heartfelt sorry and then, if you are confident you can keep the ate-something-rotten look off your face, say the all-important name along with an offer to hear their story.
While the tears that greet your words may not seem grateful, I assure you they are.
