Of late, I have noticed people exhibiting strange behavior when they come over to my house. As soon as they walk in the door they give a distracted, “Hi”, give me a quick hug and then almost push me aside in their rush to get into the main part of the house. I am left standing in the front entrance wondering what the heck was going on.

When I caught up with them, I would catch them standing in my family/living room doing a kind of exorcist 360 degree swivel with their heads; their eyes frantically jumping from one angel painting to the other.

At first I thought they were looking to see if I had added anything new to my collection of angel statues and figurines. Back in the earlier days of grief I tried to fill the emptiness inside me left by Kalei’s absence with angel images. This went on for three or four years. Eventually, a combination of will and diminishing urgency allowed me to not only gain control over that behavior but I gave away many of the pieces I had acquired.

But, never did my acquisitions cause this kind of crazy behavior.

Once the individual completed his or her perusal of my main floor (where most of the special pieces are), they would turn to me and say, “Where is it?!?!” “Where is what?” I replied.

With frustration, and a tad bit of annoyance in their voice, they would say, “The painting! The one you talked about in your book. Which one is it?” I would laugh and point out the spot where Cecilia (based on the image of his granddaughter by James Christensen) hangs.

Then, like I had just solved a great mystery, they would reply, “Oh, that’s okay then. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out which painting in your house had such a profound impact on you that you wrote about it in the book. I remember seeing this one before, but I had no idea there was such an incredible story associated with it.”

I had no idea the story would create a need to see the painting in my home. I just assumed people would google the painting; I guess I was wrong.

To help you appreciate the experience of that day, this is a picture of Kalei taken at the start of grade 10, which for me is the mirror image of that painting. It is a unique photo in that there is an air of uncertainty about the image that Kalei rarely exhibited. When I asked her why she had such a puzzled or unsure expression on her face she said, “Oh Mom, all the girls were standing behind the photographer shouting out instructions – smile, don’t smile, look this way, look that way. The picture is kind of a little bit of all of that. ” Whatever the reason, there is a sadness and gentleness to this picture that makes my heart hurt whenever I look at it. For some reason, this is my yin to the yang of the painting below.

And this, well this is Cecilia, the piece of art that brought me to my knees…