Tag Archives: love
In making my decision to keep writing blogs I knew I could only do so if I interspersed some regular universe stories/lessons among the more spiritual/parallel universe/grief ones. Not only does writing about my regular universe experiences give me a greater depth of understanding of myself, but it also helps me maintain perspective if the experience wasn’t exactly, well, positive. In a previous blog I wrote a bit about my about online dating experience. I might have been a ‘wee’…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, 15 years…15!!! and still, the unspeakable pain continues. Over the years, I have become very familiar with that pain … it is a part of me now. It took a lot of hard work – filled with many heartbreaking trips and stumbles – but I have learned to welcome happiness, love and yes, even joy back into my life. They have to live alongside…..
Strangely enough, I am far more appreciative of Mother’s Day after Kalei died than I was when she was alive. I thought I’d hear the Happy Mother’s Day salutation forever and in doing so, did not give it the attentional respect my daughter’s words deserved. Now with mom’s death, the two people in my life who were critical to the importance of this day for me no longer on this earth, Mother’s Day can easily turn into one of those really bad grief days if…..
Every now and then someone will say to me, “When you wrote and published Forever Kalei’s Mom, you took something bad — her death — and turned it into something good.” While I might not totally subscribe to the accuracy of that statement (it implies a conscious plan, and the book was anything but that), I appreciate the meaning behind their words. For me, the something of value (sorry, I just can’t use good) comes from the sum of three things: Kalei’s life, her death and the grief…..
The morning of January 23rd my friend Angela called to say she wanted to wish Kalei a happy birthday ‘in person’. She asked me I would drive out to the cemetery with her. As I had nothing planned until the evening, I replied, “Sure, I would love to take you! What time should I pick you up?” As we chatted about logistics, I realized this day might actually be the right time to deal with a crazy need-thought that had been nagging at me for the past month. For some reason,…..
After Kalei’s death, my body instinctively tried to shut itself down — I was no longer hungry and I slept constantly. When her funeral was over, and my last regular universe Kalei’s mom job was done, my will (to live) tried to follow the same path. My being responded to the crisis by changing what was previously an upright structural posture, into what I can only describe as a protective fetal curl designed to help my body withstand the onslaught of unspeakable pain. That was when Mother Nature…..
One Sunday about a month ago, I was snuggled up in bed, half awake and half asleep; when my mind threw these words at me…grief does not define me! “Wow,” I said, “that came out of nowhere!” It was ‘said’ in such a powerful way that I was well and truly awake. “Dangit”, I said out loud to an empty room, “there is no going back to sleep now.” After trundling downstairs and making a cup of coffee, I sat…..
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