Tag Archives: grief
In the months following Kalei’s death, I sorted through every photograph and DVD (the digital era was just getting started and new technology was still expensive) I owned. Picture after picture, I separated the ones that included her from the ones that did not. Anything taken prior to January 23, 1985 was deemed unimportant and discarded. I thought I threw out pretty much every image that documented my life prior to her birth, but for reasons I can only guess at now, a few stragglers managed to survive the purge. I am…..
While I no longer live in A Lifetime I Could Not Imagine, I have recently felt a need to write about one particular aspect from that time. That feeling tells me someone out there needs this information and they need it now. I hope what I have to say helps… Back, way back, almost to the beginning of my grieving journey, I became acutely aware of grief’s influence on my reflective image — you know — what you see when you look at yourself in…..
I keep telling myself, “Lorene, don’t worry about your A Lifetime Ahead journey — the worst has already happened, it can only get easier from here on in!” Or, “You have already used up the sucks-to-be-me quota given to you for this life so it should be easier going forward.” Apparently I was wrong, at least on the latter. My new dating venture sure is proof of that! Yes, maybe my expectations of the online dating process was a tad unrealistic…ALL RIGHT ALREADY…extremely unrealistic, but sheesh, how…..
Prior to Kalei’s death I used to have a pretty trusting nature. I worked off the theory that if I did not lie, cheat or steal from my fellow man, they would provide me the same courtesy – I could trust them and they could trust me. While I learned some caution as I got older, generally it seemed like a reasonable model to live by. The same goes for trusting the strength of the circle of life. I figured as long as…..
The morning of January 23rd my friend Angela called to say she wanted to wish Kalei a happy birthday ‘in person’. She asked me I would drive out to the cemetery with her. As I had nothing planned until the evening, I replied, “Sure, I would love to take you! What time should I pick you up?” As we chatted about logistics, I realized this day might actually be the right time to deal with a crazy need-thought that had been nagging at me for the past month. For some reason,…..
After Kalei’s death, my body instinctively tried to shut itself down — I was no longer hungry and I slept constantly. When her funeral was over, and my last regular universe Kalei’s mom job was done, my will (to live) tried to follow the same path. My being responded to the crisis by changing what was previously an upright structural posture, into what I can only describe as a protective fetal curl designed to help my body withstand the onslaught of unspeakable pain. That was when Mother Nature…..
One Sunday about a month ago, I was snuggled up in bed, half awake and half asleep; when my mind threw these words at me…grief does not define me! “Wow,” I said, “that came out of nowhere!” It was ‘said’ in such a powerful way that I was well and truly awake. “Dangit”, I said out loud to an empty room, “there is no going back to sleep now.” After trundling downstairs and making a cup of coffee, I sat…..
After Kalei was born, that day became the singularly most important date in my yearly calendar. Without fail, and regardless of financial ability, I always arranged for a special party and birthday celebration for my Sweetie Pie. I loved doing them and she loved having them. Even in her later teenage years, when her friends were far more important than her old mom, I managed to get some mother-daughter birthday time. This was her last one… …..
Over the past few weeks I have been working on one of those blogs that decided ‘it’ had to written. I have learned not to fight the writing of those kinds of blogs — the words will nag at me night and day until I put pen to paper and post it. Only then am I am rewarded with peace of mind, and a much appreciated sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I am lucky enough to get out in front of them…the words are written and…..
This may come as a surprise to those of you who only know me through my book or blog, but I can actually be a person of few words. There are many times when I think that a picture does in fact speak louder than words. When I look at the following images, I feel like they clearly portray the three lifetimes I have incorporated into my world. While there is sorrow, I also see the beauty and wonder in each and every…..
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