Tag Archives: grief
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 My Sweetie Pie, even after 13 years, your death still feels like it is just a heartbeat away. I miss you so much! I continue to ache with the need to hold you in my arms, especially on the days when the embrace of your spirit is just not enough. In those moments, I feel the harsh reality of your death. I cry, I grieve and then,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! Eleven years and the longing to hold you in my arms makes my heart ache. Why wouldn’t it? I am still your mom! Time, often cruel, has not managed to take that title away from me. What I wouldn’t give to see the door open and hear you call out, “Hi Mummy, I’m home!” I can see the grin of…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I have buried so many so many dreams in the past 7 years. Graduation, university, boyfriends and countless other growing up ‘firsts’ that can never be. One by one, my mother’s heart has laid them to rest. My head understands they should have died the moment you took your last breath, but my heart still grieves for each unfulfilled dream as their time comes…..
The 1st Year In Memoriam
HOLIZKI – Kalei Holizki. 1985-2001 “Time says it has been one year since you died. But my Sweetie Pie, it has only been a heartbeat. For me, you will always be just a heartbeat away. I love you soooo much!” Forever, Kalei’s Mom
My grieving journey…from a different perspective
Every year at this time I begin the process of writing Kalei’s annual In Memoriam. As she will have been dead 15 years this August 20th, I find myself acknowledging another milestone. I don’t know why this is but for some reason increments of 5 and 10 feel BIGGER as far as her death anniversary date goes and this year is no different…15 feel REALLY BIG. Maybe that is why I found myself looking back at all the earlier memoriam submissions…something…..
Unlike many moms I have talked to, I have yet to see Kalei in a dream. I don’t know why that is, it just is. Maybe one day…at least I hope so. In the meantime, I do my best to remain alert and open to her presence in my non-sleeping hours. It is not easy to keep your mind aware of a kind of 6th sense communication, especially when the messages often seem very cryptic or, well, sort of multi-dimensional……
It is not just regular universe folk who struggle with what to say to the grieving; those of us forced into that world also have challenges…but for different reasons. When I meet someone and they introduce their unimaginable event, the first words out of my mouth are always, “I am so sorry”. Those four words — and sometimes a hug to go with them — are profound in their simplicity. After that, the conversation can go in all sorts of directions, especially…..
Strangely enough, I am far more appreciative of Mother’s Day after Kalei died than I was when she was alive. I thought I’d hear the Happy Mother’s Day salutation forever and in doing so, did not give it the attentional respect my daughter’s words deserved. Now with mom’s death, the two people in my life who were critical to the importance of this day for me no longer on this earth, Mother’s Day can easily turn into one of those really bad grief days if…..
I must start this blog with an assurance …unless you are forced into an unimaginable event; your brain will never allow you to really understand. But that mental limitation does not mean you cannot still add to your knowledge of this kind of life experience. If you are bold enough to try, this blog will not only help those looking at the unimaginable from the inside out, but the people whose viewpoint is from the far safer outside looking in perspective. As mentioned in the book, we humans are…..
For a period of time after Kalei’s death, grief took control of the part of my brain that normally generates a positive emotional state. Feelings such as joy, humor, happiness, etc. ceased to exist. As a result, my body was not able to produce the sound of laughter. I did not fully appreciate this (or even noticed it was gone for that matter) aspect of my grieving journey for several years. In the beginning I did not care about how my lack of…..
Follow me on Twitter
My TweetsRecent Posts
Recent Comments
- Stephanie on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Irene Sagon on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
Archives
- August 2023
- August 2022
- August 2021
- August 2020
- August 2019
- January 2019
- August 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- August 2017
- July 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015