Tag Archives: grief
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, today marks another year and another new #. 2020 and 19 years since you died. While I can no longer be mentally defeated by your death, my body continues to communicate grief in the only way it knows how. With sighs, tears and a bowed head. While I wish it to be otherwise, that grief language has become as much a part…..
March 16, 2018 marks a very important day in my grieving journey. Why? At 0731 hours today, Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. It might come as a surprise to people to learn I knew about this day a very long time ago. Shortly after Kalei was killed, I felt a need to know when this day, hour and minute would arrive. As to exactness of the end cessation of life, I feel obligated to insert…..
Kudos to a much aligned generation…the Millennial’s
Okay…this the last blog about remembering…at least for a while lol. I’m sorry if it seems like I am harping on the subject of the regular universe participating in the different part of my new and different life but it just feels so good to hear Kalei’s name or know she still has a tiny sliver of space left in someone else’s life. That all being said, there comes a time when one has to back away from a subject…..
The Ditch Kalei’s Room (and Grandma’s too) and finally…from My Heart
After nearly 16 years spent learning how to manage my new world and different life in as positive way as possible, the grief or death based side of my life is pretty much a natural part of me now. That happened partly because of repetition, partly because my family and friends continue to support that part me and partly because my happiness depends on me continuing to manage Kalei’s death in that way. While events such as her death anniversary…..
The other day I was looking through my office for one of my favorite books — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. During the course of my search I came across one of the many journals I accumulated in the months after Kalei’s death. All lovingly given, the intent was for me to write about my pain and sorrow rather than keep all those thoughts locked up inside me. As I already applied that technique via the online forum on Kalei’s original website,…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
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