Unlike many moms I have talked to, I have yet to see Kalei in a dream. I don’t know why that is, it just is. Maybe one day…at least I hope so. In the meantime, I do my best to remain alert and open to her presence in my non-sleeping hours.
It is not easy to keep your mind aware of a kind of 6th sense communication, especially when the messages often seem very cryptic or, well, sort of multi-dimensional. Over the years I have learned how to teach my conscious mind, previously quick to dismiss anything I could not access with my five senses, to assign acceptance and validity to thoughts originating in my subconscious mind. As a result, I have learned how to first, recognize and second, not question that I am seeing and feeling the power of Kalei’s spirit. I was gifted with that experience a couple of weeks ago.
It was a Saturday morning. I was tired after the work week and was happy to sleep in a bit rather than have the alarm yelling at me to get up at 4:30 AM. Like I usually do on the weekends, I threw on my housecoat, headed down to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker. While I waited for my first cup to brew, a sense that I needed to go outside had me unlocking the door to the deck, stepped out into the chilly early morning air and walked through the dew on the deck to the railing.
The sun was just barely over the horizon and there was no wind, birds chirping or movement of any kind yet I felt what was in front of me was just so alive. And then, just like I did moments earlier lying in bed ‘listening’ for the words that would end up in that days blog, I gave myself up to the peaceful vision in front of me. Then, as my eyes slowly drifted from one side to the other I saw something that squeezed my chest, as if a shock ran straight through it. “Oh My God” I said out loud. “What is that?” And then, coming completely from my subconscious mind I said, “Kalei, is that you?”
What did I see? Tucked in amongst the trees and shrubs, right beside an angel statue stood the most amazing solitary, in full glorious bloom, a peach iris. For just a moment, I felt rather than saw the beauty in the image that lay in front of me. When the tightness that encompassed me eased, I smiled because in that moment, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew I was looking at the spirit…of my Kalei. I must capture this moment, I said to myself. As my phone was in my pocket I pulled it out and took a picture, this picture…
I can’t prove Kalei’s spirit was part of that flower for that heartbeat in time, but conversely, no one can prove to me it was not. All I know is I have had moments just like this before and as such, I have learned how to recognize them. The first time it happened, I was standing on the train platform, lost to the world as life left my child’s body. Today’s feeling was much the same. The only difference between then and now is I have learned how to recognize and embrace my daughter’s spirit…without her physical body to go with it.
