First and foremost, please accept my apologies for not posting a blog since August. It wasn’t because I could not think of anything to write — nothing could be farther from the truth. The truth is I just did not want to write, no, make that think, about grief, at least for a while. No thinking by default meant no writing.

For those of you that have faithfully read all the stories on Kalei’s original website and now my Forever Kalei’s Mom blogs, it will come as no surprise that this most recent dearth of writing meant I was wresting with something significant in my regular universe.

Funny how that is. While the parallel universe of spirit is by far the more complicated of the two universes, it is always the regular one that throws me off course. Why is that?

Sometimes it isn’t solely my fault. It could be a big regular universe change, like my dad’s ill health and his life-changing move to Calgary last year. At the time he needed the all-hands-on-deck support of his children; which we lovingly gave him. While that kind of event is actually quite manageable from a task-based perspective, emotionally it was difficult for all of us.

When my being, most specifically emotions, are heavily weighted toward the tangible –based regular universe, my five primary senses become so noisy it is almost impossible to hear or connect to my sixth sense or intangible world. The longer that disconnect lasts, the harder it is to re-capture it.

Hmmm…maybe that is why people go to church every week or set regular prayer times? Doing so could force a kind of automatic reconnect to whatever spiritual world they believe in. Interesting thought. I digress…

No matter how hard I tried I could not ‘feel’ my Sweetie Pie or ‘hear’ the world of spirit. Without even being aware of it, the balance of my peaceful multi universe existence had fallen apart.

I knew it was bad when I called my friend Sandy up one day last fall and said to her, “I am going to shut FKM website down after March 16, 2018. That is when Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. That will also be my last blog. I just don’t want to do it anymore.” Then there is my determination to find ‘the one’. After the why question, she said, “If that is what you want to do, I will support you.” Now that I said what I was thinking out loud to someone, I felt empowered and lost and the same time.

In time, the empowerment feeling faded and the lost one grew stronger.

Dangit! It’s been nearly seventeen years! How bloody hard is it to live a beautiful balanced life in two universes? And even more important, be perfectly happy with both of them! I absolutely hate this lost feeling but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find my way back to my peaceful existence. So, I did what I always do when I hit a wall like this…I prayed.

And then, on my last night in Maui this past month, I saw where I needed to be, my ‘home’ if you will.

This is that moment. And if you will, this is His answer:

As I gazed at that scene I felt a sense of profundity. I honestly do not know any other word that depicts the depth of or wisdom I knew in that moment. It was not only meaningful but in a surreal kind of way, transformational. In that moment I knew I heard what I so desperately needed to hear.

First, I love the fact that I am still able to imagine more than just what the eye can see. As I looked out over that scene I couldn’t help but imagine I was seeing both of my universes. The top half is the regular one and the bottom half is the parallel one. They are the same but oh so different. A breeze in one may affect the other but a ripple in one may not be felt by the other. Clouds in one are reflected in the other but rocks in one are not seen in the other. Isn’t that fascinating and oh so perfect?

Second, while I was worried for a minute, I have not given up on a life lived successfully within two universes. While both worlds are not, and can never be the same, there is enough similarity in content to support a beautiful life…just as in the image above.

Third, I need to keep pushing toward multi-universe profundity. I am happiest when I am applying analysis or critical thinking to a problem, any kind of problem (unless it involves home improvements which I am smart enough to leave the profundity to my brother-in-law Dan).

Fourth, my mate (if that person actually exists and I actually meet him one day) will know this amazing word. Sadly, based on the results so far, I may have to wait for another lifetime to fulfill this one!

I won’t number this question/statement because it is really the crux of this lesson. What would I have thought and felt that evening if there had been say, dirt instead of water and thus, no reflection? I would not have been able to ‘see’ or imagine, if you will, the harmony of two universes at work. Would it still have been beautiful? Yes. Would have been able to grasp the profundity of His message? No. I am so glad both ‘worlds’ were there!

For now, I am glad to be back doing what I love doing…writing.

Forever, Kalei’s Mom