Two unimaginable events taught me how important it was to let the survivors of those events tell their story. Just like I did, they too need to tell and re-tell their experience in order to learn how to turn their unimaginable experience into an imaginable one.
One boy survived the crash that killed Kalei. A couple of months after her death one of his friends phoned me and said, “Lorene, are you mad at Jared?” “Of course not” I replied, “Why would you think that?” “Well, Jared thinks you are mad at him because he lived and Kalei did not.” After assuring his friend nothing could be farther from the truth — to be honest, it never occurred to me to, I don’t know, begrudge him his life just because he was physically close to Kalei when she died — the friend offered to arrange a meeting for Jared and I.
A couple of days later I picked Jared up at his house and we spent several hours together. Through him I learned was how difficult it was for a person to understand living when people around you did not. He told me that people kept telling him how lucky he was and how grateful he should be but inside he struggled with guilt — for surviving, for wanting to speak of his unspeakable event pain when he felt others had so much more and finally guilt for thinking of his Lifetime Ahead. The result of that anguish had him keeping his grief, sorrow and anguish to himself.
When you think about it, his need to have people acknowledge the fact that he experienced an unimaginable event makes sense. Six people died right beside him. Do you think anyone can experience that and jump to thinking whew, I was lucky and now it is time to move on just like that? With significantly different degrees of separation and processes than say moms and dads, survivors also have to learn their own unimaginable d-e-a-d lessons and how to manage their lives with that knowledge. The only way I know how to gain that insight and understanding is by story repetition and working through each person’s unique pile of why, what if and meaning of life questions.
My understanding of this aspect of grief was cemented two years after Kalei’s death when another group (7) of teens (whose names I assure you I say out loud as I write) died in an avalanche while on a school trip. While the physical circumstances of this event were different from Kalei’s, one aspect was the same…survivors.
I did not know any of the children or families in this tragedy or have any sort of affiliation with the school. Unbeknownst to me, during the past two years word of my writings on Kalei’s website had spread across the city’s teen community and the often interactive nature of my postings fostered a friendly and open channel of communication to an audience that included kids from this particular school.
One day I received an email from an unfamiliar name. It went something like this, “Hi Lorene, you don’t know me but I am hoping you can give me some advice. One of my friends survived the avalanche and is having a really hard time with it. Everyone keeps telling him how lucky he is and to just put it all behind him and move on. My friend gets so angry with those words for they make him feel like his life has less value than those who died. Then he gets angry with himself for feeling that way because he lived and others did not. He is shutting everyone out and does not want to leave his room. What can I do to help him?”
I replied, “First, talk to his parents about your concerns. They need to know what you just told me. After that, just be open to whatever (and how often) he needs to talk about his unimaginable event. Just because he did not die does not make his life and what he went through any less valuable than those no longer walking this earth. Tell him over and over again how important his life is to you. Ask him about his memories — good and bad. Let him story repeat as often as he wants. And this is very important…don’t worry if he cries in the telling. Tears are a natural part of unimaginable story telling. ” The teens from the above stories taught me to appreciate how important it is to ensure survivors feel as valued as the life-body and spirit of those who died.
The unimaginable events of Orlando, Nice…sigh, the list is getting too long…reminded me of this lesson. I truly hope no one tells the survivors they are lucky and thinks that is good enough. If you don’t let yourself get bogged down in your personal angst about what you should nor shouldn’t say. Simply ask them to tell you their story. And then, with no judgement or expectation patiently wait. Whether you are presented with silence or an opening of emotional flood gates, just listen. It is through their story telling that the grieving, survivors included, begin the difficult task of learning how to incorporate and manage their unimaginable event experience. Giving the gift of listening to the grieving is priceless and it doesn’t cost you a thing.
