Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa.

When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While her enunciation and grammar was always pristine, I think she liked the idea of giving them ‘her’ special moniker. In time, I ceased to think of them as parents and siblings but rather title identified members of Kalei’s extended family.  I did not give this change any thought…at least not until a couple of years ago.

In the early years of grief, the titles continued to flow naturally. But eventually, without Kalei alive to maintain the relationship continuity, I began to feel some awkwardness or ‘not-rightness’ when I said, “Hi, Aunty Karen” or “Hey, Uncle Barry, what’s happening?”

You see without Kalei to talk to, I was using their extended family titles less and less. Plus, as the years passed and more new people came into my life, referring to a sibling as Aunty was well, confusing to say the least. While I might be younger than my sister I am not that much younger! Without other children in my life, folks did not understand why I did not just use her given first name. For years I fought against the feeling that I should drop the titles and continued to relationship identify my family in the same manner I did A Lifetime Ago. But, as with all parts of grief, eventually you have to decide to either go with the flow and do what everyone else does or fight for what you want your new and different life to look like. Yup, you guessed it. I decided to fight.

For the most part, everyone seemed happy (or not unhappy) with the communication. I thought I had a plan and that was that…forever. Of course that darn ‘change’ thing happened last year! My decision to more fully engage with the regular universe made keeping the titles more difficult. Referring to my family as Grampa or Aunt or Uncle amongst people who knew Kalei alive was still okay, but to new people, calling my Dad Grandpa or Karen Aunty made them confused. “Dangit!” I said to myself, “Now what? Do I give up on that special verbal link to the life of my child or damn the torpedo’s and continue to fight?” It was time to make a phone call…“Hi Grampa!” I said when he answered the phone.

After we exchanged the normal pleasantries I said, “I am working on a blog and I need to ask you a question before I can finish it. Are you okay with me continuing to call you Grampa even though Kalei is no longer alive? As I have no other children, does doing that make you uncomfortable or sad in any way? Would you like me to stop?”

I know, I know…I am a bad daughter. It was a hard question for him and yes, it sucked to be him at that moment but I needed to know…was keeping his Kalei title as important to him as it was to me. With a catch in his voice that told me he was fighting tears he said, “Oh no! I like it. Don’t stop. You see, whenever you call me Grampa it brings back memories. Memories of Kalei. I want to think about her. No, don’t stop, I like my Kalei title.” Now, just so you don’t think I am a heartless beast, knowing sadness was about to overwhelm him, I became a good daughter again and said, “Thanks Grampa, that means a lot to me.” And then, to get him thinking about something else and not be sad I said, “Now what were you doing when I called?” He started talking about the skins curling on TV and his voice returned to normal.

Now that I had my answer for him, what about my siblings? Well, I am making an executive decision and applying the saying, it’s better to ask for forgiveness rather than permission…their relational titles will continue to be used as well! I don’t think they will mind much, at least I hope so. Just in case…I’m sorry.

You see, with Kalei dead, the kinship aspect of all those kinship titles have a depth of meaning not readily visible when she was alive. Yes, they still act as relationship identifiers but now her spirit seems to shine a bit brighter every time one of her extended family titles is used. While that might feel awkward from time to time or sound weird to strangers, neither is a good enough reason to stop. There is also no law (grief or otherwise) that says I have to let time rob me of precious kinship gifts and the Kalei love imbedded in each and every title. So there!

I could not end this post without special acknowledgement of the love of Kalei’s life. No, it wasn’t me, it’s her grandfather. In life they shared a special bond; it is the same since her death. Perhaps this post is more about than unbroken bond than anything else. If you doubt my words, take a look at this spontaneously taken picture.

Behind one shoulder is a photo of Kalei taken one week before she died. Behind the other is the edge of an angel wing from a piece of pottery she made in junior high. I don’t know about you, but to me its screams Grampa! 

The titles — all of them — stay!