After Kalei was born, that day became the singularly most important date in my yearly calendar. Without fail, and regardless of financial ability, I always arranged for a special party and birthday celebration for my Sweetie Pie. I loved doing them and she loved having them. Even in her later teenage years, when her friends were far more important than her old mom, I managed to get some mother-daughter birthday time. This was her last one…
When January 23rd, 2002 arrived, five months after she died, I tried to repeat that event day — like it used to be. I invited all her friends, made the birthday cake and so on. On the outside, we did our best to ‘pretend’ we were celebrating Kalei’s 17th birthday, but on the inside grief made the evening into what it really was…an attempt to make something real that physically could never be.
I did not try to do that again.
That is not to say I do not continue to mark January 23rd every year — nothing could be farther from the truth. It is just that over the years a different kind of event planning has developed, along with a new perspective about what that day really means to me now.
First, let’s talk about the event.
No matter what day of the week it is (or how bad the weather), I hold what I now refer to as Kalei’s birth date, as close to her physical body as possible. That leaves the cemetery as my venue, and the timeframe? It is always evening after the sun has set. Any friends and family, who can make the trip, bundle up and join me there.
After tidying up her ‘room’ and having a few words with the part of her that lies beneath, it is then time to light the candles for the part of her that flies above. Then, after the last sparkle has drifted away into the wind, for just a heartbeat, I steal a tiny bit of the past and bring it into my present as I whisper the words that no longer have a place on this earth…“Happy Birthday My Angel”.
While it is not easy, I am able to hold onto that whisper because the words are spoken to the spirit rather than the body of my child. Because of that I am not breaking the regular universe law that seems to require life for birthdays to exist. It takes a bit of mental jiggery-pokery, but I am satisfied that have found a way to keep the regular universe and me happy on this very important day.
And so, on yet another January 23rd, I honor Kalei’s birth date and what should have been her 31st birthday. And…if you wouldn’t mind stepping aside for just a minute, I have something important to whisper to my daughter…
“Happy 31st birthday my angel, I love you so very much! Now…blow out your candle:)” 
