Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing.

My friend Sandy often spoke of her Jarrett dreams and how wonderful it felt to ‘see’ her earthly or regular universe son. I would ask myself, “Why is she able to see Jarrett in that way and I can’t see Kalei? Is it because I am not as deserving as her? Was I that bad a mom?” Then I wondered if this was a death-of-a-child gift that was being withheld for some reason. Did I miss a lifetime ahead lesson that prevented me from receiving that gift? Or was the universe holding out on me for a really BIG lifetime ahead moment I was not yet aware of? Whatever the reason, I had pretty much given up hoping for it to happen.

It was long time coming, but I experienced my first Kalei dream on December 13, 2016. Not only did I see my earthly Sweetie Pie in my dream, we talked! It wasn’t A Lifetime Ago pre-death kind of memory only based feeling, no, it was current time and she was alive! I waited 15 years, 3 months and 22 days for this moment. You don’t get this kind of a gift — completely out of the blue and after so long — without there being a very good reason for it. It did not take long for me to find the answer.

To catch you up on what has been happening in my regular universe life, the past six months introduced two very large changes. One, like so many Calgarian’s, I was laid off from my job. While I have been in this situation before it was a) not in such a disadvantaged employment climate b) I was not held firmly in that climate because my child’s body is buried here and c) I was not 62 year old and no longer as desirable a hire as the generations beneath me. As a result, retirement has more or less been forced on me.

While some may say “That is great, retirement is awesome!” My response at this point is, “That may be true but I am not feeling that yet. Right now, having my work world pulled out from under my feet feels like another lifetime hit…something the universe wanted, not me!“ I hate change that I am not in control of. You see, before Kalei’s death I handled change as it came along. When it was bad change, I always managed to find a way to control the situation and turn bad into good. Since she died, I know that is not always possible. Some hits are so unimaginable, there is no way to take the results of that kind of event and turn it into something positive. As a result all change now makes me jittery.

Retirement meant more than just losing my job. I no longer had the day-to-day grounding of a career, work friends and their lives and the routine of that kind of a 9-5 worker. I felt lost. As if the above was not enough, just before the axe fell, I (yup, me, all by my lonesome) made the decision to open the window (okay, you got me…a teeny, tiny crack) to a relationship if the universe wanted to bring someone special on by. As far a change goes, this is about as big as it gets for me as I have lived without a personal relationship for more than sixteen years. As luck would have it, I entered into a relationship three weeks after I was laid off…change, change, CHANGE!!!!

I really did not get a chance to come to terms or get settled on retirement before I threw all sense, restraint, power, etc. to the wind and dove completely into the mental, emotional, physical and situational demands of a relationship. While knowing that kind of love again is a beautiful thing, surrounded by what I can only describe as ‘journey ciaos’,  with each passing day I felt my connection to the parallel world become weaker and weaker. Even with the Kalei spirit support of my boyfriend, I could not hold onto to her or the spiritual world in the way I needed to. And then…I lost the will to write. That pretty much catches you up on things. Now, back to the dream…

First of all, as with most dreams, they can be crystal clear while in them but difficult to remember in the light of day. While some are impossible to hold onto, if the dream is carrying an important message, I believe you remember what you need to remember when you wake up.

The time is now and I was on vacation at a resort. I am not sure of the location, but it felt like Banff or somewhere mountainous. While most of my immediate family was there, I spent most of my time with one of my nieces Kathryn. While uncharacteristic for her as she likes the great outdoors, we spent a lot of the weekend shopping for clothes for her. It felt like A Lifetime Ago kind of happiness.

Just after Kathryn left, shopping bags in hand, Kalei appeared. Not the wispy angel image I was used to seeing, no this vision was the real flesh and blood earth Kalei I had been longing for. With a puzzled look on her face she said, “Mummy, what about me? Have you forgotten about me? You have been buying things for everyone but me. When are you going to remember me?”

I felt awful…what kind of a mom would forget about her child. I replied, “Oh Sweetie Pie, I am so sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking! Tell you what. Tomorrow, you and I will spend the whole day shopping. Tomorrow will be your day!” And then…without any angst or OMG kind of feelings I simply said, “Wait a minute Sweetie Pie, we can’t go shopping…you are dead.” You would think those words, even in a dream state, would bring waves of grief but that did not happen. It felt like we were having a perfectly normal mom-daughter talk and the word dead was a perfectly natural part of that kind of conversation. Without fanfare or some big ta da moment, our time together ended with her changing back into the wispy ethereal being and I fell into a peaceful sleep.

You might think that is the end of it but it wasn’t. Just before waking I was given a kind of ‘trailer’ of the dream. I could still see the earthly Kalei, but now it felt more like a memory than a real time experience. What was new were the lessons or ‘why now’ woven into the dream but difficult to identify amid all the thoughts, images and sensations I was going through during that sleep.

Kalei did not appear in my dream by accident. I had not written a blog for nearly four months and was at risk of not writing one for a whole lot longer. I let two big regular universe changes — retirement and relationship — push me away from the parallel universe part of journey. Letting myself become totally absorbed by the newness of what was taking place in my five-sense world, I lost focus and nearly broke the link to my sixth-sense world. Without a strong connection to my strength providing spiritual world, I quickly become a mental and emotional drifter, at risk of being detoured or knocked off the Lifetime Ahead path I worked so hard to build these past 15+ years. I thought I had built a pretty strong dual universe foundation, but it appears I have more work to do if I want to embrace a loving relationship again.

First I have to learn how to orient myself to a life without the grounding of a career. If you email me to volunteer I will bop you on the nose! I head I have heard that one so many times in the past six months I am about ready to lose it! Like I did with grief, I have to figure this part out on my own and in my own good time. And, just so you know all humor has not left me during this latest life lesson, if I do happen to end up making volunteer work a passion, I am giving you advance permission in advance to say, “I told you so!” as many time as you like….on second thought, I know some of you very well. I think it might be good for my sanity to limit this gift to one per person.

Second (and for sure the most difficult lesson), learn how to incorporate my hopes and dreams into the hopes and dreams of another without bearing a disproportionate cost to mine. When that balance is off, I lose my way as I drift along, bending more and more to their will and less and less to mine. This malleability weakness is one I knew about. That I did not tend to it prior to dating is ‘my bad’ ownership. When I am able to articulate my hopes, dreams, boundaries, goals, etc. in a relationship and they with me, I will know I have found a long and lasting love.

My Sweetie Pie knows me well. The way I was behaving, she knew her mom was at risk of permanently losing her way if she did not do something drastic to get me back on track. While I might ignore family  and friends telling me to slow down (sorry, I like to learn the hard way), I will hear my angel when she calls. To be sure I heard her this time, she gave me the one shout-out or gift she knew would get my attention…a Kalei dream.

I won’t get a Kalei dream every time I need it. That means it is up to me to maintain the desire, drive, vision, determination, etc. to stay focused on all the needs of my entire Lifetime Ahead journey, not just regular universe ones. Whether I like it or not, my life requires a connection to the world of spirit. For some reason, blogging keeps that link strong. I must keep writing, if not for me, then for her. If I don’t, I will eventually become a person who just exists…playing a role on the outside as well as the inside. I can’t let that happen for I would be living a life of aloneness — forever —  in both universes.