March 16, 2018 marks a very important day in my grieving journey. Why? At 0731 hours today, Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. It might come as a surprise to people to learn I knew about this day a very long time ago.

Shortly after Kalei was killed, I felt a need to know when this day, hour and minute would arrive.  As to exactness of the end cessation of life, I feel obligated to insert a caveat here.  The RCMP recorded the time of the crash as 0805 hours August 20th, 2001. As Kalei was killed instantly on impact, the official time of her death reflects the time of the crash. While that record may not be exactly perfect, it is what it is.

And so, after factoring in the time differences between her Hawaiian birth and Canadian death, the hours in each month (including leap years) her dead-longer-than-she-lived time is March 16^th @ 0731 hours. I then wrote it down on my future blackboard.

When I first documented the date it seemed so far into the future — a lifetime really — that the impact or importance of it was unknown to me. I just did what my need told me to do. Like most people, I had no idea such a powerful moment existed until death took my child. As it turns out, not only is this ‘event day’ a long ago defined key part of my journey with grief, it is an extremely important part of Kalei’s earth life.

I suspect some of you are puzzled about the words ‘Kalei’s earth life’ in the above sentence. After all, she has been dead for over sixteen years. How could anything happening now be considered part of her earth life? The answer to that question speaks to the heart and soul of this particular lesson or story.

Throughout the years I never lost sight of it. I knew exactly where it was. I was also pretty scared of it. You see, based on past death of a child grief experiences, those kind of big moments usually brought me to my knees. While there is always the temptation to try and get out out front of those heart breaking events by figuring them out ahead of time – this one was no different – it isn’t really possible. I should know better than most no one, and I mean no one, can successfully imagine the unimaginable. As a result, if my mind lingered too long on this date, I had to tell myself, “Don’t do that you idiot! Watch it yes, for it is important to not forget it, but for goodness sake don’t spend any time trying to imagine how you are going to feel when that moment finally arrives because you can’t!”

For sixteen plus years I managed to do just that. Eventually the clock ticked down and time ran out.

With this new grief event staring me in the face, I had no choice but to ask, “What does this moment mean to Kalei’s life and death story?”  And then, “What is my lesson and how bad is it going to hurt?” I really hate that second question! It did not take long for the answers to appear.

Near the end of February this thought appeared in my mind. Go into the backyard, lay down, make a snow angel and take a picture of that moment. Of course, me being me and at times very resistant to the directions coming from my sixth sense, I answered, “Are you kidding? There’s three feet of snow back there! And, it’s really cold! I am not doing that. Whoever you are, go away!” There was other regular universe ‘stuff’ going on in my life at that time and as a result, I was spiritually cranky.

As the days progressed, that darn voice in my head would not go away. As a matter of fact, not only did it not go away, it got louder and more persistent! It got so bad I could not concentrate on anything else. One morning I finally said, “All right! I’ll go out and do it!”

On March 5^th with iPhone and selfie stick in hand I made my way into the back yard. Of course by now I am more than just a wee bit cranky with that nagging voice, especially as I pondered the logistics of my ‘assignment’. Where do I drop, how will I capture the snow angel when I am laying on top of it, is the phone going to fall off the stick and land in the snow and then, how on earth am I going to stand up again without messing up the snow angel. “All righty then,” I said to the ‘voice’, “this is your party, I don’t know what you want so right here, right now, I’m yours. Tell me what you want.”

As clear as clear could be I knew the snow angel had to be made near my Kalei statue in the yard. I bought it shortly after her death because it reminded me so much of her as a little girl. Ever so carefully stepped through the snow, making sure I did not put any footprints between me and the statue. Once in place I turned around and just let myself fall backwards into the soft fluffy snow.

It was a weird feeling to just let myself go like that but in due course, I smiled as I used my arms to carve out angel wings on either side of me. I did not smile so much when I tried to swing my legs and my boots filled with snow. I ignored the sting of the wet cold on my legs for by now I was determined to see the whole thing through to the end.

Not knowing what to do next I just lay there looking up at a stunningly beautiful blue sky. Unusually, there was not a single cloud to be found. In time it felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of snow…like the wings I had just made were holding me tightly. I smiled as feelings of peace and love washed over me.

Before I knew it, I felt my Kalei. Not just a little sense of her, but an all-out out, she’s really with me feeling. Wave after wave of love and happiness washed over me as I stared beyond the blueness into what I know is heaven and the spirit of my child. It was an incredible moment to experience.

When I first lay down, I rested the hand holding the selfie stick on my stomach. I do not actually remember pushing the camera remote control button. I think my heart and soul were one place and my mind and body in another. Even so, they somehow managed to communicate with each other in order to capture, as much as we mere mortals can, that moment.

This is that heartbeat of a moment…

In time, I lost the connection and came back to ‘earth’. It was only then I realized I was getting cold and needed to return to the warmth of the house.

I won’t go on about how graceful (read sarcasm) I was getting up, but suffices to say,

I did manage to save the angel and her wings so I could show you the earth Kalei (in statue form)

and spiritual Kalei (in angel form). I kind of like it…

By now I was thinking only about the gifts I had just received and in doing so, ignored the fact that angel gifts rarely, if ever, come without a lesson. No worries, ‘they’ did not forget.

Over the next couple of days I could not stop thinking about this upcoming blog and what words were needed to capture what I had just experienced and how it related to my grief journey.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that for me, identifying this particular dead-longer-than-she-lived moment created a kind of death-of-a-child finiteness for me. While I know Kalei’s actual death is August 20, 2001 at 0805 hours, I was not able to complete that knowing until March 16, 2018 @ 0731 hours when time took me this very important event date in my Sweetie Pie’s life. From here on in, there are no Kalei earth life markers, only spiritual ones.

Now, that is not to say I won’t continue to add Kalei birthdays (or actual) death anniversaries to my future blackboard. I won’t ever stop doing that. It’s just that I will be thinking of the angel now rather than the child. And strangely enough, there is nothing more to think about regarding todays moment. I cannot carry anything forward from it; her life story bookends are now firmly in place.

Now, before you get all blubbery and say, “Ahhhhh that is so sad” and start feeling sorry for me, please don’t. Just as with all my really big grief moments and lessons, I will survive this one also. Yes, there were moments of pain – and yes, tears – but I realize that I am now in charge of how much I will let Kalei’s death hurt me rather than the other way around.

Today, I fully realize the benefit of years spent learning how to make Kalei’s spirit such a strong part of my life over the past sixteen plus years. All that work, all that praying, all that crying, all that screaming, all that, well, everything, was done to prepare me for this moment in time – not “the end” but the setting in place of the bookend that marks the completeness of her earth life.

I could not finish this story without Kalei’s image being a part of it…

Isn’t she achingly beautiful?

I love her so very much!

I miss her so very much!

I love being mom to Kalei Jasmine Mahealani Holizki! It was, and still is, the best part of being me.

Bookends or not, child or angel, I love that I get to continuously share my heart with her. I think that is what forever really means.

Lorene and Forever Kalei’s Mom:)