It seems I am destined to live a life sharing my inside voice with the world. Sigh…no matter how hard I try to keep those darn words locked up safely where they belong, escape seems inevitable.

While I blame some of this habit on living alone (and no all you Mr., Ms. Mrs., etc. etc. Smarty Pants, I am not losing it! I have no invisible friends sitting at the other side of the table…harrumph!!) it really is personality based. All my life I have lived in my head. There is so much to think about. When I really get into an idea, I often vocalize inspiration, creativity and even frustration on a random basis.

This personality trait, or habit if you will, solidified during the writing of FKM. When I struggled to find the perfect imaginable word to explain something unimaginable, talking through the problem out loud helped. When I was frustrated with a lack of progress, I would talk AKA vent through that roadblock as well.

In time I vocalized my thoughts more and more, even in public. I blame that lack of verbal monitoring on the early years of grief. I was so messed up not only did I not care about me, but I did not care about what people thought of me. If they did not like my words to heck with them I thought. Eventually I learned how to manage my grief which in turn let me rejoin the regular universe with an acceptable level of social skills. I am still not perfect but better, much better…at least most of the time.

As many of you know, Kalei’s grandpa has been struggling with his health of late. With my brother John still farming in Saskatchewan and Karen, Barry and I in Calgary, it was hard for us to help him in a timely manner. Add to that the lack of cardiology specialization in Medicine Hat, it made sense for him to move to Calgary where he could receive the care he needed. He made the move on July 11^th.

With his complex health issues, it was not surprising to end up in the Foothills Emergency Room late one evening. Of course, Murphy’s Law and all that, the night we went was the last Saturday of the Calgary Stampede. Too much stampeding (alcohol) made for a very busy ER. After 3 hours of waiting, my sister Karen, dad and I were all exhausted.

As we patiently (believe that and I have a bridge to sell you) waiting for dad to be seen, Karen (nursing background) monitored his condition. While he needed medical care to deal with unacceptable levels of weight gain (fluid retention) which is not good when dealing with Congestive Heart Failure, his breathing, etc. did not worsen. All of us, dad included, started to wonder if we should go home, rest comfortably for a few hours and then return in the morning when hopefully emergency would not be as busy. It was a tough call to make.

I don’t remember who finally asked the question that was on all our minds but the words were finally said. How much longer do you think we should wait?

Well, true to Holizki form, we hummed and hawed while waiting for the other one to make the decision. Eventually, I caved and said to dad, “If you are not seen in the next 15 minutes we are going home. At least you can get your swollen legs elevated and get some rest. We can try again in the morning. Are you okay with leaving?”  He replied, “Yes, I agree with that plan.”

You would think I would have been tired enough to keep my mouth shut at that point but no, I just had to let out an inside voice thought. But no, I just had to add, “Okay dad, we have an agreement. But, if we take you home and you die tonight, you have to promise not to blame Karen and me.”

Now before you go all ‘bad daughter’ on me, over the past 16 years my family and I have learned to openly talk about dying, grief, angels and everything to do with life and death. We even joke about making sure we live good lives just in case angel Kalei has the power to throw a heavenly asteroid or two in our direction if she is not happy with us. I was pretty sure dad would get the humor. Plus, after years of wrestling with guilt (right or wrong) over Kalei’s death, I wasn’t about to leave that beast on the table unaddressed. And just in case my angel did not like the call, Karen and I would have a little asteroid prevention on record.

Now, just so you know, dad is getting hard of hearing. Add to that the ER is a noisy place so his initial response to my statement was, “What did you say?” Before I could repeat myself, my sister — probably one of the most helpful people on the plant — repeated my words at a decibel level not only he, but pretty much everyone in the ER could hear. She more or less shouted, “IF YOU DON’T GET SEEN IN THE NEXT 15 MINUTES WE WILL TAKE YOU HOME. BUT IF WE TAKE YOU HOME AND YOU DIE TONIGHT, YOU CAN’T BLAME US.”

Her words bounced off the ER walls that for some strange reason had become unusually quiet. For a moment you could hear a pin drop as all eyes turned to our little group. Most people looked shocked. I must admit I was tempted just a wee bit to fake it and mess with Karen a bit by pretending to be shocked as well. That idea went away pretty quick when I saw the horror on her face when she thought about the words she had just shouted out for the world to hear. Thankfully, dad started laughing right away. In a booming voice the hard of hearing often use, he assured us he would not send dirty looks or asteroids our way if tonight ended up being his last night on earth. We couldn’t help it. The three of us started laughing.

Soon enough, a young couple near us started giggling. Before long, everyone else (who was not in can’t-focus-on-anything-else-pain) was smiling or laughing. While they might have initially thought we were the worse children ever, upon closer inspection it was clear from our interaction and demeanor that we love each other and were totally comfortable with that kind of no-way-am-I-going-to-carry-any-more-guilt honesty.

In the end, dad was seen by a physician before our deadline so his promise was not put to the test. Add to that the fact that he is now under the care of the best cardiologists in the country who are committed to making sure he receives the best care possible. That night was the start of something very positive, on more than one front.

You see, I am thinking I might just have to start taking my helpful sister Karen with me everywhere I go to take the blame for my inner voice oops moments. While she might not like that idea a lot, it would sure keep me out of a lot of trouble. I will have to think on this plan a bit more. lol.

I can’t end this blog without sharing a current photo of my amazing father and Kalei’s much-loved grandpa with you.

This picture was taken four days ago when he arrived at his new home.

Even with all the challenges this amazing 88 year old man has faced during the past few years, he still carries a loving heart and thankfully for my sister and I…a great sense of humor!!!

I hope he gets to continue to share both with us for many more years.