The other day I was looking through my office for one of my favorite books — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. During the course of my search I came across one of the many journals I accumulated in the months after Kalei’s death. All lovingly given, the intent was for me to write about my pain and sorrow rather than keep all those thoughts locked up inside me. As I already applied that technique via the online forum on Kalei’s original website, most of the journals remained blank.

During my book search I came across one that was almost hidden behind a group of self-help books. As I reached for it I said to myself, “What is that doing in my book section?” Even though I expected it to be empty, human nature demanded that I open it anyway. To my surprise, I discovered two ‘letters’ written to Kalei two months after her death. As I read, I felt the pain of those early grieving days. I’m not going to lie to you, it hurt, a lot. But not for long. As I closed that journal I knew sadness but also a growing sense of wonder at how far I have come in the years since Kalei’s death. I also knew I needed to share this experience with you.

Just so you know…parts of what I wrote on November 7th & 8th are dark, not how I feel now and very, very raw. Not only had I just buried my child but I had yet to learn how to manage unimaginable grief. I assure you I was a long, long, long way from that kind of knowing when I wrote in that journal.

If you have not read Forever Kalei’s Mom yet you will need a bit of background information. The spring of 2001 the company I worked for was sold. I signed onto a three month contract with the acquiring company to help with the transition. My job was to end August 31, 2001. Kalei died August 20, 2001.

While the new company kindly offered both a contract extension and a permanent position after her death, I turned both offers down as I did not want to think or do anything not related to Kalei. I especially did not want to participate in anything — work, friends or family — that would in any way feel permanent. Quite simply, I no longer wanted to belong to anything associated with the regular universe.

Of course, reality and life kicked in sooner rather than later. I still had bills to pay and needed an income. I started a consulting company and took a contract that began November 4, 2001. How I managed to convince the hiring team that I was a good fit for the job is beyond me. At that time I barely knew my own name let alone was capable of managing an active gas allocations desk. I suspect I did that particular interview while I was safely ensconced in La Land. Regardless, I started work again on November 4th, 2001.

Knowing I would not be able to write on Kalei’s website during the day, AKA ‘talk’ to her, I threw a journal in my purse just in case I thought of something to say to her. My ability to retain thoughts was still iffy and I did not want to forget something really important. If I jotted it down in that journal, I could write about it when I got home.

I managed to make it through the first two days, functioning mostly in the regular universe, but by day three I was struggling. I needed to connect to the parallel universe and spirit of my child during my work hours and there just wasn’t the time or space to do that to the degree I wanted. So out came the journal.

I wrote both letters, one day apart, during my lunch hour. I remember sitting at the same table in one of the food courts in downtown Calgary. I picked a spot where I faced away from the crowds so no one could see the tears flow down my face as I wrote. This is the first one…

What I wrote next day was, well, the words speak for themselves…

 

 

 

That’s it…that’s all I wrote.

I don’t remember why I stopped writing at this point. Either someone interrupted me or I just couldn’t write anymore without making a scene. I don’t know the answer to that question. What I do know is I never wrote in or read that journal again…until today.

As my eyes moved down the pages I couldn’t help but compare the Lorene from that time to the Lorene of today. When I was done both letters I said to myself, “Wow! I have come a very, very, very long was in the past sixteen years!” And then… I smiled.

While I easily recognized the unspeakable pain in the letters — that will never change — the years have allowed me to develop the knowledge and strength needed to stand up to grief in a way I could not have imagined in the months after her death. While I suspect I was in charge years ago, the conscious acknowledgement that I am the boss of grief rather than the other way around only just happened now. I feel a sense of freedom I have not known for a long time. How cool is that!?!

When I look back at the person I was in the months after Kalei’s death, I know it’s me but I don’t feel as connected to that person anymore. Almost like that Lorene was from another lifetime…wait a minute, she is! The words that were written in November 2001 were from a lifetime ago and I, well, I live in a different lifetime now.

When you a done reading this blog, please don’t dwell on the darkness of the letters but rather the big picture of life, death, grief, faith, hope, courage and the awesomeness of the human mind. Given half a chance, the mind will try it’s hardest to help you survive even the most unimaginable events.

It takes time and a lot of soul searching work, but eventually most of the grieving get strong enough to look back and stand in awe at just how incredibly far they have come.