In making my decision to keep writing blogs I knew I could only do so if I interspersed some regular universe stories/lessons among the more spiritual/parallel universe/grief ones. Not only does writing about my regular universe experiences give me a greater depth of understanding of myself, but it also helps me maintain perspective if the experience wasn’t exactly, well, positive.
In a previous blog I wrote a bit about my about online dating experience. I might have been a ‘wee’ bit critical of mankind but hey, after 16 years of singleness and not relationship trying, I was like a naive babe in the woods. For some silly reason, I thought everything new (man) and shinny on the outside was actually nice and bright on the inside as well. I was wrong more than a few times.
But, if I was going to be honest with myself and turn defeat into success, it was time for me to take my fair share of blame as far as choices and what the heck was I thinking results. After all, it takes two to tango!
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, lets try and figure this date selection problem out.
While I am the first to admit to being perfectly imperfect, I thought I knew my strengths and weaknesses well enough to open my heart to long lasting love and successfully navigate the world relationship building. Apparently I am wrong about some part(s) of that statement. As a matter of fact, based on the experience so far, I am starting to seriously consider whether I am really not the brightest crayon in the box! You see a bright (AKA smart) crayon would not keep hitting the ‘repeat’ button and choose the same type of person over and over and over again! At least when it comes to seriously broken people like narcissists!
Let’s be clear. I do not like narcissists. I don’t like spending time with them. I don’t know why they seem to like me so much and for sure, why I can’t spot them from a mile away! For reasons I had yet to figure out, those kinds of broken people are my nemesis. It was time to figure out why.
I dated a ‘repeat’ person for two months. I knew early on this was a person who lived life in pretty much one dimension. By that I mean his view of himself was distorted. Remember what I wrote about knowing my strengths and weaknesses? Well, cannot acknowledge or even see their weaknesses. As for their strengths? Don’t worry, you will hear all about them!
At first being a full time audience did not bother me too much. I am fine with not sharing my thoughts all the time. I also don’t mind supporting a person’s need to have their voice stronger than mine for a disproportionate amount of time. While not sharing does make me feel kind of lonely, sometimes listening a lot is what what a nice person does. Eventually the relationship developed into a kind of parent-child one (with the child getting crankier and crankier as the days go on I might add).
First and foremost, the parent speaks and the child listens. The child can ask questions, but only insofar as to encourage the parent to speak more about themselves. If the child does not ask properly, the parent will ask for them and then proceed to pontificate on that item until some wacky (sorry, my word, not Dr. Googles) need is met. I spent hours hearing about the lives of people that I never met and will never meet. None were friends or had any influence on his life other than being considered important due to financial or stature reasons. Dozens and dozens of people and their how-he-met-them stories. I guess talking about them made him feel important. But, that kind of one-sided communicative relationship cannot last.
Second, the child cannot say no to the parent if the parent wants to do something else. As those of you who know me know I don’t particularly like conflict. I avoid it if I can which is perfect for a narcissist. I am also very Canadian in that I like to follow rules and try to be considerate of others. But, while I will often go with the flow, if I say no, I really mean no! On top of that, if I feel so strongly that I put together a good case to support refusal and and am still ignored, well, I actually get, well, angry! The exchanges would go something like this…I say “No I would rather not do that because it isn’t right, fair or makes me uncomfortable.” He says, “No it is fine, who cares about others and no it doesn’t”. I would often try and stand up for my position a bit more assertively but it gets silly after a while. I said, “No”. He said, “Yes”. No, yes, no, yes would only go on for so long before he would say, “I don’t care. This is what you/we are doing.”
Lorene! Get a backbone and take a stand you say? I tried, often. While I learned this later, narcissists like butting in line, disobeying legal or courtesy based laws because they think they are ‘special’ people who have the right to bypass rules when they want to. While not funny at the time, he wanted us to board an airplane outside of our designated boarding zone. I choose that moment to take a stand and said, “No, I am not comfortable do this. If everyone ignores order, what is the point. Please, I’d rather wait for our turn”. Well, he just shrugged his shoulders, turned and walked to the staff at the gate. Sadly they did not turn him away. He boarded the plane without me.
While I I laugh now at the ridiculousness of the entire situation and yes, maybe it wasn’t the best time to take a stand, but there had been so many circumstances in the previous week where my “please no” was either ignored or overridden I needed to do something to start taking ownership of my life back.
Third, the child is to never criticize the parent; even if it’s justified. I once said “It feels like you are pushing me into making long term commitments when I am not comfortable with that yet. After all, we were still dating newbies.”
In short order I was told the word ‘pushing’ was unacceptable. In fact, not only was it wrong of me to say that to him, I was also being a very selfish person by not agreeing to his wants and needs. In his mind, he wanted me to go on the trip. To not agree was just plain selfish because I was denying him a need. My needs never entered the picture. And just so you know, that word turned out to be an issue for weeks. In only stopped when I asked, “Why are you still upset over that one word?” His reply? “I won’t be once you apologize.” There are more traits and characteristics in the narcissistic world but you get the general picture.
Anyway, while I knew the relationship was over 2 weeks before it ended, we had a joint vacation to get behind us first. I had a trip to Maui booked and early on he asked if he could join me. I said okay, here is the info, etc. Not using the word “No” enough, soon enough he added a whole bunch of changes to my vacation booking. I was not happy but hey, it was Maui. Who can’t have a pleasant time there? I did not want to hurt him and convinced myself it would be okay if I was a careful child. Guess what? I was wrong again!
By day four, not liking my attention on anyone else, we had spent a lot of time isolated in the car, in our room or on our lanai. I spent a lot of time trying to stay out of trouble. That evening, having eaten dinner in the room once again, we moved out onto the lanai, bottle of wine in hand. I was doing my best audience member impersonation when this rush of heat when through my body. With it came this thought. Lorene, what are you doing! You should not be sitting here! You should be walking on the beach, wading in the ocean…I don’t know! Something! This is exactly what we did every afternoon and evening in Calgary! There’s no winter here! There is no reason to stay cooped up! I hate it!
And then, I cracked…well, maybe cracked is an overstatement…reached the limit of my patience is probably a better way of putting it.
Out of nowhere I said to myself, if I have to listen to him one more second I am going to jump off this lanai!
Now just so can fully appreciate my superior multi-tasking skills, I managed to continue with the required “Oh” “Really” “Wow” “Cool” “Nice” responses to the never ending what-about-me-and-every-single-aspect-of-my-64-year-old-life banal chatter while at the same time I realized I was sooooo done! As I waffled between crying and bursting out in hysterical laughter, I eyeballed the railing wondered how he’d react if I shouted, “I can’t take it anymore!” and took a running leap over the side? Would he even notice? Probably not.
Before I go on, please know that the above was just an imaginary coping thought. There never was any risk to me (as Sandy puts it) executing a perfect swan dive off the lanai. The thought simply marked the start of a new life lesson. It was time to understand a) the characteristics of a narcissist b) why was I such a narcissist magnet and c) why did I keep saying yes to them. Again, it is easiest to analyze what is in front of me. I had time…lots of it…sitting on that damn lanai!
I started by breaking down the known behavioral traits of a narcissist. Next I assigned those that were pertinent to the man in front of me. Before I go on, please know he is not a bad person, just very, very broken. Then came analyzing my behavior, responses to (or lack thereof) or participation in supporting those traits. Whoa! Now that exercise was a real eye opener for me. I was definitely part of the problem and worst of all, I knew better! Twenty years ago I promised myself I would never, ever participate in a narcissistic relationship again. To this day, I clearly remember the OMG moment that solidified the need for that promise.
Arriving home from work one day I found myself leaning over in the car to see if ‘his’ car was in the garage as the garage door slowly started to open. You see, if it was there, I knew I had to enter with extreme caution in case he had a bad day. If it wasn’t there, I could walk into my home like a normal person. By bending over in my seat to get a view just over the dashboard, I got my answer five seconds earlier because I could see the bottom of the tires…it was that important to know. Remember this blog if you ever find yourself doing this.
As I thought about my promise and my current predicament I said to myself, “Dangit Lorene! I thought you were smarter than this!” I guess I forgot the lessons I learned so long ago. Well, future dates, forewarned is forearmed because I sure remember now!
I cannot change, nor do I want to change, what I consider an important aspect of my being. I am and always have been emotionally sensitive to my surroundings. When it comes to people, I am attuned to the moods, needs, wants, etc. of those around me. That strength/weakness leaves me susceptible to “I” oriented or extremely controlling personalities. Why? I excuse the not-so-nice outside behavior of that person because I see the wounded little boy inside that just wants to be loved. Unfortunately, the power is all on the outside so it is impossible to get anywhere near the inside.
Eventually I will meet the right person, one who is not broken…I heard you say “what about you” you comedians out there! I’ll have you know that the duct tape is holding my broken bits together quite nicely thank-you! You just gave me a good idea. Maybe every new online dating app should send a roll of the darn stuff to every new ‘customer’. If that happens I am for sure buying duct tape stock!
I can’t close this blog without a footnote to my ‘future’ dates. Rest easy, I won’t write about all of you… lol. To be honest, I hope I don’t have to write anything more about dating other than to say …and they lived happily ever after:).
