The second Christmas after Kalei died, I wrote the following on Kalei’s forum. To those who did not have the opportunity to follow those posts, I would refer to Kalei’s gravesite as her ‘room’ in my stories.

This is what I wrote on December 1, 2002…

Last year I could not face Christmas, so I just pretended there was no such thing as a holiday season. I told my mind to treat it like any other day of the year with no special meaning associated with it. I made it through that first Christmas but now, in another 24 days, it will be December 25^th again. “Wow”, I said to myself. “I didn’t think I would make it to a 2^nd Christmas.”

For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about the photo of Kalei sitting on Santa’s knee. I don’t want to think about it but I can’t help myself. “Damn Christmas”, I said to myself, “why does it have to keep coming and remind me of what can never be again?!?”

Then I began fussing with the winter wreathe at Kalei’s room. Sticking with the non Christmas theme, there is not a single yuletide decoration on it; only non Christmas ornaments and decorations. That way, I am not reminded of Christmas every time I look at it. My plan was to make it through this year the same way I did last year…see no Christmas, hear no Christmas and feel no Christmas.

I tried to ignore the season but that darn picture kept reminding me how much Kalei loved the Christmas season. Then, like some sort of alien entity took over my body, I found myself buying a Christmas decoration here or a seasonal trinket there. I told myself I might buy them but darned if I would do anything with them. Before I knew it, each piece ended up attached to her wreathe or her light stand at the cemetery.

I was annoyed with myself and this crazy need that had me kind of covertly participating in Christmas. The only way that was going to happen was if sneaky angel Kalei had something to do with it so I said to her, “I am not happy with this turn of events young lady! But if this is what you want, I will do it, but just so we are clear, I am okay with giving you Christmas presents but that is it! I want nothing for myself! You are all I want. If I can’t have you I don’t want anything at all!”

Well, I guess she did not like my attitude as there was a lesson waiting for me around the next corner.

A couple of days later I drove out to the cemetery. As I turned the corner into the entrance, what I saw just at the edge of the cemetery made me hit my brakes. In front of me was this huge building, alight with hundreds of Christmas lights. My first thought was, how did they get that place built so quickly? I was sure it was not there for the past year and a half but it had to have been. How could I have missed it as recently as two days ago? Strange as that may seem, I was so wrapped up in my grief, my head continually bowed in sorrow, I never noticed the golf course club house building next to the cemetery.

While it was impossible to miss, building, people and pretty much everything else in the regular universe was invisible to me if it did not have to do with Kalei or angel Kalei, at least until this night. That I saw it now surprised me. Until this moment I did not realize I had started to look up again.

As I rounded the bend to my parking spot, I marvelled at how pretty it all looked far away from the city lights. Everything was pitch black except for the twinkle of those colorful Christmas lights. For just a few seconds, I felt what I can only describe as a softening of my determination to never again acknowledge Christmas. Just to be clear, I was not enveloped in joy or the ‘merry’ part of Christmas, but what I felt was a whole lot better than the numbness and all-encompassing sadness that had been holding me hostage for the past year and a half.

As I sat there, I sensed Kalei was very happy with me and my new thoughts and feelings. You see, she loved to make a big fuss and hoopla over every little detail for all event days, especially Christmas. How silly of me to forget that. How selfish of me to deny her spirit that joy now.

Then out of nowhere, I heard these words, “Mummy, you need a present. You cannot give and not receive. There is a gift I know you would look forward to opening this Christmas. Memories, you have to ask Santa for memories!” How clever my little girl is. That was the one thing I would accept.

In the darkness of that night, and using the imaging of the picture of her on Santa’s lap, I said, “Santa, on Christmas morning I would like to open the memories section on Kalei website forum and find one or two new memory stories posted there. If you give me that gift, I promise I will cherish them forever. Santa I promise I will not look in that section from now until Christmas, because I would have a hard time not peeking if one gets placed there early, but please Santa don’t let me be disappointed on Christmas day. ”

Well, I kept my word to Santa and sure enough, on December 25^th, 2002 I opened up the forum to not one or two new memory stories but six! Somehow people found out about my wish and made sure I had gifts to open that day.

Thanks to all of you who posted memories this Christmas. That you did so allowed me to acknowledge the spirit of Christmas again and for that, I am truly grateful.