Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
Throughout my writing journey there have been periods of time I could not make myself write or edit a single word. Just the thought of sitting down at my computer made me cringe inside.Looking back I would guess this writing void (or maybe avoidance is a better word) happened about once every three or four years. Whether it was posting blogs on Kalei’s original website or the writing and editing of Forever Kalei’s Mom, sometimes I just couldn’t do it. It…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
“My Sweetie Pie, once again the regular universe is out of sync with my world. The calendar says it has been 14 years since you died; but my soul still screams, “No, it was only a heartbeat away!” Who knew that a lifetime of tears, unimaginable experiences and a wasteland of unrequited hopes and dreams could lie within the space of one tiny beat? But my darling daughter, all is not lost. Your spirit continues to live on. Even in death,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 My Sweetie Pie, even after 13 years, your death still feels like it is just a heartbeat away. I miss you so much! I continue to ache with the need to hold you in my arms, especially on the days when the embrace of your spirit is just not enough. In those moments, I feel the harsh reality of your death. I cry, I grieve and then,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! After 12 years, the pain of your death continues to wreak havoc with my being. Caution is still warranted when I look at your life as well as your death. Both views are still unspeakably painful. Whenever I open a Kalei memory door I can’t get past the threshold. The pain of remembering you alive takes my breathe away……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! Eleven years and the longing to hold you in my arms makes my heart ache. Why wouldn’t it? I am still your mom! Time, often cruel, has not managed to take that title away from me. What I wouldn’t give to see the door open and hear you call out, “Hi Mummy, I’m home!” I can see the grin of…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, it is 10 years now… I miss you so much! I can’t help it, I just do. Time became both hated enemy and grief teacher the second life left your body. With heartless determination that second turned into minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and much too soon…an unimaginable year. One year turned into two, three, four and well, just so many more. Oh the agony of time! I…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, it is now 9 years since I last held you in my arms. The space between that moment and today is an ever widening chasm. All that is left of our life together is 16.5 years of well-worn memories and then nothing but memory emptiness. I struggle to grasp the harshness of that reality for the pain of knowing you are dead continues to…..
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