The other day I was looking through my office for one of my favorite books — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. During the course of my search I came across one of the many journals I accumulated in the months after Kalei’s death. All lovingly given, the intent was for me to write about my pain and sorrow rather than keep all those thoughts locked up inside me. As I already applied that technique via the online forum on Kalei’s original website,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, 15 years…15!!! and still, the unspeakable pain continues. Over the years, I have become very familiar with that pain … it is a part of me now. It took a lot of hard work – filled with many heartbreaking trips and stumbles – but I have learned to welcome happiness, love and yes, even joy back into my life. They have to live alongside…..
“My Sweetie Pie, once again the regular universe is out of sync with my world. The calendar says it has been 14 years since you died; but my soul still screams, “No, it was only a heartbeat away!” Who knew that a lifetime of tears, unimaginable experiences and a wasteland of unrequited hopes and dreams could lie within the space of one tiny beat? But my darling daughter, all is not lost. Your spirit continues to live on. Even in death,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 My Sweetie Pie, even after 13 years, your death still feels like it is just a heartbeat away. I miss you so much! I continue to ache with the need to hold you in my arms, especially on the days when the embrace of your spirit is just not enough. In those moments, I feel the harsh reality of your death. I cry, I grieve and then,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! After 12 years, the pain of your death continues to wreak havoc with my being. Caution is still warranted when I look at your life as well as your death. Both views are still unspeakably painful. Whenever I open a Kalei memory door I can’t get past the threshold. The pain of remembering you alive takes my breathe away……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! Eleven years and the longing to hold you in my arms makes my heart ache. Why wouldn’t it? I am still your mom! Time, often cruel, has not managed to take that title away from me. What I wouldn’t give to see the door open and hear you call out, “Hi Mummy, I’m home!” I can see the grin of…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, it is 10 years now… I miss you so much! I can’t help it, I just do. Time became both hated enemy and grief teacher the second life left your body. With heartless determination that second turned into minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and much too soon…an unimaginable year. One year turned into two, three, four and well, just so many more. Oh the agony of time! I…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, it is now 9 years since I last held you in my arms. The space between that moment and today is an ever widening chasm. All that is left of our life together is 16.5 years of well-worn memories and then nothing but memory emptiness. I struggle to grasp the harshness of that reality for the pain of knowing you are dead continues to…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, today marks eight years since you died. There has been much change this past year. I no longer ask the question, “Why did you have to die?” Nor do I ask God for a miracle and your return. Deep in my soul, I finally understand He cannot bring you back. I have also learned asking “why” does not matter for there is no answer…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I have buried so many so many dreams in the past 7 years. Graduation, university, boyfriends and countless other growing up ‘firsts’ that can never be. One by one, my mother’s heart has laid them to rest. My head understands they should have died the moment you took your last breath, but my heart still grieves for each unfulfilled dream as their time comes…..
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