Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, 15 years…15!!! and still, the unspeakable pain continues. Over the years, I have become very familiar with that pain … it is a part of me now. It took a lot of hard work – filled with many heartbreaking trips and stumbles – but I have learned to welcome happiness, love and yes, even joy back into my life. They have to live alongside…..
“My Sweetie Pie, once again the regular universe is out of sync with my world. The calendar says it has been 14 years since you died; but my soul still screams, “No, it was only a heartbeat away!” Who knew that a lifetime of tears, unimaginable experiences and a wasteland of unrequited hopes and dreams could lie within the space of one tiny beat? But my darling daughter, all is not lost. Your spirit continues to live on. Even in death,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 My Sweetie Pie, even after 13 years, your death still feels like it is just a heartbeat away. I miss you so much! I continue to ache with the need to hold you in my arms, especially on the days when the embrace of your spirit is just not enough. In those moments, I feel the harsh reality of your death. I cry, I grieve and then,…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! After 12 years, the pain of your death continues to wreak havoc with my being. Caution is still warranted when I look at your life as well as your death. Both views are still unspeakably painful. Whenever I open a Kalei memory door I can’t get past the threshold. The pain of remembering you alive takes my breathe away……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I miss you so much! Eleven years and the longing to hold you in my arms makes my heart ache. Why wouldn’t it? I am still your mom! Time, often cruel, has not managed to take that title away from me. What I wouldn’t give to see the door open and hear you call out, “Hi Mummy, I’m home!” I can see the grin of…..
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