Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Throughout my writing journey there have been periods of time I could not make myself write or edit a single word. Just the thought of sitting down at my computer made me cringe inside.Looking back I would guess this writing void (or maybe avoidance is a better word) happened about once every three or four years. Whether it was posting blogs on Kalei’s original website or the writing and editing of Forever Kalei’s Mom, sometimes I just couldn’t do it. It…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, today marks eight years since you died. There has been much change this past year. I no longer ask the question, “Why did you have to die?” Nor do I ask God for a miracle and your return. Deep in my soul, I finally understand He cannot bring you back. I have also learned asking “why” does not matter for there is no answer…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, I have buried so many so many dreams in the past 7 years. Graduation, university, boyfriends and countless other growing up ‘firsts’ that can never be. One by one, my mother’s heart has laid them to rest. My head understands they should have died the moment you took your last breath, but my heart still grieves for each unfulfilled dream as their time comes…..
“My Sweetie Pie, it is now six years since you died. Time continues to force your life deeper into the shadows. For most, your body is a but distant memory. Your spirit, a comfort no longer needed. Kalei, please know my love for you is too strong to ever lose sight of you in the shadows of time. I will always look for you and grieve when all I see is a dream. I will always reach for your spirit and rejoice…..
KALEI JASMINE HOLIZKI January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, today marks five years since you died. Five years of waking up to a world filled with unspeakable pain. The screams deep inside my soul echo that tick tock agony. It does not matter – five years or fifty – I must carry this burden of sorrow until time decides it my turn to know eternity’s truth. Until then my angel, I love you and miss you…sooooo very much! “ Forever, Kalei’s Mom
KALEI JASMINE HOLIZKI Born January 23, 1985 – Died August 20, 2001 “As long as I can I will look at this world, for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, for both of us. As long as I can I will sing with the flowers, for both of us. As long as I can I will pray to the stars, for both of us.” Forever, Kalei’s Mom Part of a poem by Sancha…..
The 1st Year In Memoriam
HOLIZKI – Kalei Holizki. 1985-2001 “Time says it has been one year since you died. But my Sweetie Pie, it has only been a heartbeat. For me, you will always be just a heartbeat away. I love you soooo much!” Forever, Kalei’s Mom
My grieving journey…from a different perspective
Every year at this time I begin the process of writing Kalei’s annual In Memoriam. As she will have been dead 15 years this August 20th, I find myself acknowledging another milestone. I don’t know why this is but for some reason increments of 5 and 10 feel BIGGER as far as her death anniversary date goes and this year is no different…15 feel REALLY BIG. Maybe that is why I found myself looking back at all the earlier memoriam submissions…something…..
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