March 16, 2018 marks a very important day in my grieving journey. Why? At 0731 hours today, Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. It might come as a surprise to people to learn I knew about this day a very long time ago. Shortly after Kalei was killed, I felt a need to know when this day, hour and minute would arrive. As to exactness of the end cessation of life, I feel obligated to insert…..
In making my decision to keep writing blogs I knew I could only do so if I interspersed some regular universe stories/lessons among the more spiritual/parallel universe/grief ones. Not only does writing about my regular universe experiences give me a greater depth of understanding of myself, but it also helps me maintain perspective if the experience wasn’t exactly, well, positive. In a previous blog I wrote a bit about my about online dating experience. I might have been a ‘wee’…..
First and foremost, please accept my apologies for not posting a blog since August. It wasn’t because I could not think of anything to write — nothing could be farther from the truth. The truth is I just did not want to write, no, make that think, about grief, at least for a while. No thinking by default meant no writing. For those of you that have faithfully read all the stories on Kalei’s original website and now my Forever…..
Kudos to a much aligned generation…the Millennial’s
Okay…this the last blog about remembering…at least for a while lol. I’m sorry if it seems like I am harping on the subject of the regular universe participating in the different part of my new and different life but it just feels so good to hear Kalei’s name or know she still has a tiny sliver of space left in someone else’s life. That all being said, there comes a time when one has to back away from a subject…..
A couple of weeks ago I was at the cemetery tending Kalei and Grandma ‘rooms’ when I noticed an older gentleman standing over a grave not far from where I park my car. While it is not unusual for there to be visitors at his cemetery, most are there to grieve in private. As a result, their body language usually says, “Leave me alone please and thanks.” On this day, this fellow’s language did not say that. While unusual, he…..
The other day I was looking through my office for one of my favorite books — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. During the course of my search I came across one of the many journals I accumulated in the months after Kalei’s death. All lovingly given, the intent was for me to write about my pain and sorrow rather than keep all those thoughts locked up inside me. As I already applied that technique via the online forum on Kalei’s original website,…..
Well, it is Feb 10th and I am about to board a plane to Mexico…for the first time. I am looking forward to this new experience especially as I am going with Kalei’s Uncle John and Aunty Carol who I enjoy travelling with. We are heading to a small fishing village called Los Ayala. It is a popular winter vacation destination for so many Saskatchewan folks it is often referred to as Little Saskatchewan. While we were waiting to board…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
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