August 20th and another year…21
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, there is no doubt you left a permanent space in this world when you died. Even after all these years precious memories bring smiles. Unfulfilled dreams, well, not so much. Your spirit continues to be a part of my life and the lives of those who love you. When we ‘feel’ a gentle Angel push in the right direction we are grateful. When we…..
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, today marks another year and another new #. 2020 and 19 years since you died. While I can no longer be mentally defeated by your death, my body continues to communicate grief in the only way it knows how. With sighs, tears and a bowed head. While I wish it to be otherwise, that grief language has become as much a part…..
March 16, 2018 marks a very important day in my grieving journey. Why? At 0731 hours today, Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. It might come as a surprise to people to learn I knew about this day a very long time ago. Shortly after Kalei was killed, I felt a need to know when this day, hour and minute would arrive. As to exactness of the end cessation of life, I feel obligated to insert…..
Early last week I began thinking about the upcoming Mother’s Day. Once Kalei was old enough to understand, she went to great lengths to make this day special for me. How she loved to bring me breakfast in bed, cuddle up beside me and hand over the card she worked on for hours. Her face would beam when she saw me tear up as I read the words that always came straight from her heart. When I was done I would set the card on my night stand and…..
Two years ago today Kalei’s Grandma Helen died — she was 88 years old. She had a good life. She had a long life. She was fortunate to be healthy for most of those 88 years. It was only in the past couple of years that she began to struggle. She wasn’t in pain, but ever so slowly her lungs were filling up with scar tissue which, in time, made breathing more and more difficult. Her illness did not really…..
Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
It turns out the lighting of Kalei’s birthday candles was as much for us as it was for her. On this day I have no trouble imagining that Kalei and the angels are dancing for us in the images below. It is her way of saying, “Thank-you for remembering and I love you all so very much!” My angel shining brightly:) Oh how they danced!
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
In Loving Memory Kalei Jasmine Holizki January 23, 1985 – August 20, 2001 “My Sweetie Pie, 15 years…15!!! and still, the unspeakable pain continues. Over the years, I have become very familiar with that pain … it is a part of me now. It took a lot of hard work – filled with many heartbreaking trips and stumbles – but I have learned to welcome happiness, love and yes, even joy back into my life. They have to live alongside…..
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