Unlike many moms I have talked to, I have yet to see Kalei in a dream. I don’t know why that is, it just is. Maybe one day…at least I hope so. In the meantime, I do my best to remain alert and open to her presence in my non-sleeping hours. It is not easy to keep your mind aware of a kind of 6th sense communication, especially when the messages often seem very cryptic or, well, sort of multi-dimensional……
My Introduction to Hiking – A Lifetime Ahead Story
The hard physical work of raising cattle and working on a grain farm — well into my adult years — kept me active and physically fit. Even in my youth, outside of participating in every sport available in our rural community, the thought of exercising just for the sake of it never entered my mind because at the end of each day my body was tired…I did not need to do crunches or yoga or hike for miles on top of…..
While I felt Kalei’s spirit leave this earth, she left in such an abrupt manner, the shock of it did not allow me to properly grasp the details of that occurrence…at least not in a way that gave me enough information to properly describe it. It was much different with my mom’s death. By the time early April 2015 rolled around, mom’s health was clearly failing. As it became more and more apparent that the end was near, I spoke to her about cancelling my upcoming trip to Maui but…..
Strangely enough, I am far more appreciative of Mother’s Day after Kalei died than I was when she was alive. I thought I’d hear the Happy Mother’s Day salutation forever and in doing so, did not give it the attentional respect my daughter’s words deserved. Now with mom’s death, the two people in my life who were critical to the importance of this day for me no longer on this earth, Mother’s Day can easily turn into one of those really bad grief days if…..
Every now and then someone will say to me, “When you wrote and published Forever Kalei’s Mom, you took something bad — her death — and turned it into something good.” While I might not totally subscribe to the accuracy of that statement (it implies a conscious plan, and the book was anything but that), I appreciate the meaning behind their words. For me, the something of value (sorry, I just can’t use good) comes from the sum of three things: Kalei’s life, her death and the grief…..
Prior to Kalei’s death I used to have a pretty trusting nature. I worked off the theory that if I did not lie, cheat or steal from my fellow man, they would provide me the same courtesy – I could trust them and they could trust me. While I learned some caution as I got older, generally it seemed like a reasonable model to live by. The same goes for trusting the strength of the circle of life. I figured as long as…..
In the previous post I talked about how much I loved receiving angel gifts on a Kalei event day. Well, sometimes, when I am really lucky, I am gifted with one out of the blue. By 2010 I had finished a major project —the landscaping in my backyard. It was now the peaceful and safe sanctuary I had envisioned when I responded to a grief need to avoid as much of the outside world as possible. But the completion of…..
After Kalei was born, that day became the singularly most important date in my yearly calendar. Without fail, and regardless of financial ability, I always arranged for a special party and birthday celebration for my Sweetie Pie. I loved doing them and she loved having them. Even in her later teenage years, when her friends were far more important than her old mom, I managed to get some mother-daughter birthday time. This was her last one… …..
This may come as a surprise to those of you who only know me through my book or blog, but I can actually be a person of few words. There are many times when I think that a picture does in fact speak louder than words. When I look at the following images, I feel like they clearly portray the three lifetimes I have incorporated into my world. While there is sorrow, I also see the beauty and wonder in each and every…..
This is the 2nd post I wrote about Christmas 2002. I find it fascinating to read now as I see how my mind automatically searched for ways to not only survive Kalei’s death, but learn how to do so in a thoughtful manner. The mind is clearly an amazing tool. Even when we ‘think’ we do not want to live or engage in life anymore, the human will to survive pushes us to do more and be more. Without being…..
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