After nearly 16 years spent learning how to manage my new world and different life in as positive way as possible, the grief or death based side of my life is pretty much a natural part of me now. That happened partly because of repetition, partly because my family and friends continue to support that part me and partly because my happiness depends on me continuing to manage Kalei’s death in that way. While events such as her death anniversary…..
Early last week I began thinking about the upcoming Mother’s Day. Once Kalei was old enough to understand, she went to great lengths to make this day special for me. How she loved to bring me breakfast in bed, cuddle up beside me and hand over the card she worked on for hours. Her face would beam when she saw me tear up as I read the words that always came straight from her heart. When I was done I would set the card on my night stand and…..
Two years ago today Kalei’s Grandma Helen died — she was 88 years old. She had a good life. She had a long life. She was fortunate to be healthy for most of those 88 years. It was only in the past couple of years that she began to struggle. She wasn’t in pain, but ever so slowly her lungs were filling up with scar tissue which, in time, made breathing more and more difficult. Her illness did not really…..
Well, it is Feb 10th and I am about to board a plane to Mexico…for the first time. I am looking forward to this new experience especially as I am going with Kalei’s Uncle John and Aunty Carol who I enjoy travelling with. We are heading to a small fishing village called Los Ayala. It is a popular winter vacation destination for so many Saskatchewan folks it is often referred to as Little Saskatchewan. While we were waiting to board…..
Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
It turns out the lighting of Kalei’s birthday candles was as much for us as it was for her. On this day I have no trouble imagining that Kalei and the angels are dancing for us in the images below. It is her way of saying, “Thank-you for remembering and I love you all so very much!” My angel shining brightly:) Oh how they danced!
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
“My Sweetie Pie, once again the regular universe is out of sync with my world. The calendar says it has been 14 years since you died; but my soul still screams, “No, it was only a heartbeat away!” Who knew that a lifetime of tears, unimaginable experiences and a wasteland of unrequited hopes and dreams could lie within the space of one tiny beat? But my darling daughter, all is not lost. Your spirit continues to live on. Even in death,…..
Follow me on Twitter
My TweetsRecent Posts
Recent Comments
- Stephanie on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Irene Sagon on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
- Lorene Holizki on In a little over an hour, Kalei will have been dead longer than she lived.
Archives
- August 2023
- August 2022
- August 2021
- August 2020
- August 2019
- January 2019
- August 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- August 2017
- July 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015