After Kalei’s death, my body instinctively tried to shut itself down — I was no longer hungry and I slept constantly.
When her funeral was over, and my last regular universe Kalei’s mom job was done, my will (to live) tried to follow the same path.
My being responded to the crisis by changing what was previously an upright structural posture, into what I can only describe as a protective fetal curl designed to help my body withstand the onslaught of unspeakable pain. That was when Mother Nature stepped in.
The first thing she did was direct all remaining physical energy into the parts of my anatomy that were necessary to sustain life.
As procreation was not a critical requirement, I went from being a normal reproductive 46-year-old woman into a full-fledged menopausal one literally overnight. I hardly noticed and quite frankly, cared even less.
Not only did I not care diddly squat about my physical being, I intentionally shut down any and all me based emotional thoughts if they did not have some sort of correlation to my daughters spirit.
If my mind tried to wander towards imaging that included words like me-happy, me-life or me-love, and Kalei’s name was not stuck in there somewhere, I slammed the door shut on those kinds of thoughts very quickly.
For years, I was okay with that.
As the end of A Lifetime I Could Not Imagine drew closer, it became harder and harder to ignore me-only thoughts. The most powerful of them was tied to loneliness. Not the I-miss-Kalei-every-day kind of lonely, no, it more like the aloneness one feels when our mammalian brains, designed to seek out a partner, finally breaks through the grief enough to acknowledges there is in fact, no longer anything there.
To say I was conflicted with this change was an understatement. I had spent so many years focused on building a life with my daughters spirit, the thought of making a lifetime shift to welcome anyone else into that new world was, well, unsettling, if not downright scary.
But, there was no going back. Mother Nature had long since stopped sheltering me from the life that had been patiently waiting for me. As a matter of fact, I think it was her that re-activated the neurons in my partner seeking brain! I was going to have to fight this Lifetime Ahead battle on my own.
At first, whenever I thought about re-engaging with mankind, I ran from the idea likes the hounds of hell were chasing me. Why? Because of guilt. How could I know the joy and happiness of a man’s love when my child is forever denied that gift? And second, knowing what unspeakable pain feels like, I am risk adverse in all aspects of my life. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
And, just so you know, I can hear you through my computer! I will know it if you say, “That is not what Kalei would want” or “Kalei would want you to love again”. If I catch you saying either, I can and will reach through your screen and bop you on the head! That is very much the wrong thing to say to this grieving mother! Read Chapter 25 people!
In the end, I expect some grieving parents make the decision to love again and some, well, they never get there. They choose to deny their human brain messaging for reasons all their own. I am the last person to pass judgement on that very personal decision — as with everything else in this very difficult journey — to each his or her own.
As for me, when I decided to accommodate the word partner again, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for — it used to be so, well, easy.
At first my brain said, “No problem!” But, after a few tentative steps towards those thoughts, my heart screamed, “Are you nuts? You are finally in a safe place! Why would you want to risk being introduced to new heart pain by doing something as foolish as looking for love…seriously at your age….are you nuts? Haven’t you had enough heartache for one lifetime?!?!”
Dangit, go figure! This whole let’s live, love, blah, blah, blah foray into building a more expansive and wholesome life (with my daughters spirit still a big part of it by the way) was not going well. Before my little let’s-love-again party even got started, all I wanted to do was fold up my tent and head for the hills.
It would take a shopping trip on January 23, 2016, on what would have been Kalei’s 31st birthday, for me to realize that given half a chance, grief was always going to try and usurp my willpower in order to remain the boss of me. I was going to have to figure out how to out maneuver it if I really wanted to reach out and hold onto me-happiness again.
I would be remiss if I did not reinforce the fact that I am speaking from a perspective that has taken years to reach. For the newly grieving, I am sorry; there is no easy button or shortcuts in your own painful journey. All I can do here is give you hope. It’s not much, but it is all I or anyone else can give you. For that, I am truly sorry.
Now, back to the battle…
What happened on that shopping trip?
That question, my friends, will be answered in my next post.
