Well, it is Feb 10th and I am about to board a plane to Mexico…for the first time. I am looking forward to this new experience especially as I am going with Kalei’s Uncle John and Aunty Carol who I enjoy travelling with. We are heading to a small fishing village called Los Ayala. It is a popular winter vacation destination for so many Saskatchewan folks it is often referred to as Little Saskatchewan. While we were waiting to board…..
Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
It turns out the lighting of Kalei’s birthday candles was as much for us as it was for her. On this day I have no trouble imagining that Kalei and the angels are dancing for us in the images below. It is her way of saying, “Thank-you for remembering and I love you all so very much!” My angel shining brightly:) Oh how they danced!
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
Throughout my writing journey there have been periods of time I could not make myself write or edit a single word. Just the thought of sitting down at my computer made me cringe inside.Looking back I would guess this writing void (or maybe avoidance is a better word) happened about once every three or four years. Whether it was posting blogs on Kalei’s original website or the writing and editing of Forever Kalei’s Mom, sometimes I just couldn’t do it. It…..
Today is my little brother John’s 60th birthday! Kalei’s ‘Nuncle (that is what she called him folks) John and Aunty Carol live in Saskatchewan. They are grain farmers. Poor John, being born into a farming/ranching family and then becoming one himself, meant more often than not his birthday was smack dab in the middle of harvest. That meant no parties and often little or no time for birthday celebrations. That was not going to happen on his 60th! Conspiring with Aunty…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
While tending the ‘ditch’ where Kalei died is beyond difficult, every now and then someone stops to offer condolences, a helping hand or just meeting a need to connect with me. Regardless of the reason, those acts of kindness always make this task a bit easier to bear. Yesterday I received two such gifts…one from a man who stopped to say he was one of the first people who came upon the crash. He said, “I wish I could have done more.” The second was from…..
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