Okay…this the last blog about remembering…at least for a while lol. I’m sorry if it seems like I am harping on the subject of the regular universe participating in the different part of my new and different life but it just feels so good to hear Kalei’s name or know she still has a tiny sliver of space left in someone else’s life. That all being said, there comes a time when one has to back away from a subject…..
The Ditch Kalei’s Room (and Grandma’s too) and finally…from My Heart
A couple of weeks ago I was at the cemetery tending Kalei and Grandma ‘rooms’ when I noticed an older gentleman standing over a grave not far from where I park my car. While it is not unusual for there to be visitors at his cemetery, most are there to grieve in private. As a result, their body language usually says, “Leave me alone please and thanks.” On this day, this fellow’s language did not say that. While unusual, he…..
It seems I am destined to live a life sharing my inside voice with the world. Sigh…no matter how hard I try to keep those darn words locked up safely where they belong, escape seems inevitable. While I blame some of this habit on living alone (and no all you Mr., Ms. Mrs., etc. etc. Smarty Pants, I am not losing it! I have no invisible friends sitting at the other side of the table…harrumph!!) it really is personality based……
During the past few months I have been asked this question, “What should I say?” way too often. Sadly folks come to me when the death is unimaginable. I don’t mind being approached and am for sure okay with providing the best answer I can, it just sucks that the question has to be asked in the first place. While my level of unimaginable understanding comes from my experience with Kalei’s death in a car crash, I believe any death that does…..
After nearly 16 years spent learning how to manage my new world and different life in as positive way as possible, the grief or death based side of my life is pretty much a natural part of me now. That happened partly because of repetition, partly because my family and friends continue to support that part me and partly because my happiness depends on me continuing to manage Kalei’s death in that way. While events such as her death anniversary…..
Early last week I began thinking about the upcoming Mother’s Day. Once Kalei was old enough to understand, she went to great lengths to make this day special for me. How she loved to bring me breakfast in bed, cuddle up beside me and hand over the card she worked on for hours. Her face would beam when she saw me tear up as I read the words that always came straight from her heart. When I was done I would set the card on my night stand and…..
It has been a very long time since I felt a new heart wound. That’s not to say I have not felt new sadness. The end of my first relationship in sixteen years hurt, but I did not let it traumatize me or make me give up on life. Rather it was that breakup that taught me how to properly differentiate between unimaginable grief pain and well, imaginable regular universe pain. The first one hurts so bad you want to rip open your chest and tear your heart out. It…..
Two years ago today Kalei’s Grandma Helen died — she was 88 years old. She had a good life. She had a long life. She was fortunate to be healthy for most of those 88 years. It was only in the past couple of years that she began to struggle. She wasn’t in pain, but ever so slowly her lungs were filling up with scar tissue which, in time, made breathing more and more difficult. Her illness did not really…..
The other day I was looking through my office for one of my favorite books — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. During the course of my search I came across one of the many journals I accumulated in the months after Kalei’s death. All lovingly given, the intent was for me to write about my pain and sorrow rather than keep all those thoughts locked up inside me. As I already applied that technique via the online forum on Kalei’s original website,…..