Early last week I began thinking about the upcoming Mother’s Day. Once Kalei was old enough to understand, she went to great lengths to make this day special for me. How she loved to bring me breakfast in bed, cuddle up beside me and hand over the card she worked on for hours. Her face would beam when she saw me tear up as I read the words that always came straight from her heart. 

When I was done I would set the card on my night stand and hold her in my arms and whisper, “Thank-you Sweetie Pie. I love you so much.” She would always reply, “I love you too mummy.”

Back then we would lie in bed for a while, share some laughs and talk about what we were going to do for the rest of the day. Now, well, it’s different.  

While I still celebrate Mother’s Day, I have learned to allow happy tears to acknowledge the fact that my daughter can’t be here to share it with me. Happy tears are markedly different than sad tears. The happy ones follow pure memory moments like the ones I described above. Death is not part of that imaging. The sad ones, well, they always come tinged with a sense of longing. Death is always a part of those images.  

Anyway, sometime around the middle of the week I went out to pick up the mail. On my way back to the house I opened an envelope which was clearly a personal vs. business letter. I pulled out the card and started to cry…again! Hold on, good news, they were happy tears people!    

As I read the card my heart filled with love and a deep sense of gratitude… 

Not only did my sister Karen’s children and grandchild pick the absolute perfect card, each of them signed it…that took thoughtfulness, coordination and love. Only when you really care do you take the time and effort to make a gift as perfect as can be. I can tell them and you, this Mother’s Day gift is absolutely perfect! I am so lucky to have them in my life!

As I set the card on the mantle under Kalei’s picture I thought about how amazing it was that these young people ‘got it’. Over the years they listened and they learned. They made sure the uncomfortable grief world was not ‘yucky’ enough to stop them from doing what their heart told them was the right thing to do. They make me feel not only loved, but hopeful.

You see, throughout the years, there were times when I did not want to keep fighting for a different kind of grieving world. One where happy tears are accepted and acknowledged for what they are rather than ran from for what they are not. It’s a world where I get to keep celebrating (yes, I said celebrate!) special days like Mother’s Day. While it can’t be the same as when Kalei alive, but darn it, it’s still ‘my’ day!

Well, guess what? It’s just not a few of us thinking that way anymore.

I was flipping through Facebook and came across a post by Lexi Behrndt. Lexi’s little boy Charlie died on October 27, 2014 when he was six months old. I first learned about Lexi from Sandy who saw her do an interview about grief on the Today show. She had set up a project titled #on coming alive which featured a myriad of stories from people who had suffered (abuse, addiction, death, rape, etc. etc.) and wanted to share their survival story. After checking the project out, I submitted a story and have followed this amazing young woman ever since.

This past week a Mother’s Day video she recently completed was aired on the Today show. I couldn’t help but think of this years card from my nieces, nephews and grandniece’s card as I played the video. These words, spoken so lovingly by Lexi, resonated with me…Mother’s Day belongs to you too. You are still their mom.”  

I like this mother, a lot! I believe Lexi, along with others of her generation (and those who follow) will end the silence of grief and in doing so, make this world a much better place to live in.

In the morning will take flowers out to Kalei and her grandmother. I will wish Mom a Happy Mother’s Day and then I will say, “Thank-you” when I imagine Kalei saying those words back to me. I will tell them both about the kindnesses I have received…I might even take the cards (yup, I got another one!!!!) out and read them out loud just to be sure they ‘hear’ the love being shared with their mom and daughter. I might have to speak up a bit (heaven is a long way away you know) but whisper or yell, something tells me they would like me to do that.

Now, for every woman who is a mother in her heart — whether your child is with you not — I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. If you are a grieving mom, I hope you are blessed with an extra special earth angel who steps in for your heavily one in order to give you a very, very, very special Mothers Day gift…

When I return home I will smile as I look at the mantle and see Kalei, the roses and the Mother’s Day cards ‘my child’ sent via some special earth angels who have a whole lotta love in their hearts!

I can assure you, Mother’s Day in my world, doesn’t get any better than this! You might want to remember these words the next time you ask yourself, “what can I do to help a grieving mom on a day like this?”