After nearly 16 years spent learning how to manage my new world and different life in as positive way as possible, the grief or death based side of my life is pretty much a natural part of me now. That happened partly because of repetition, partly because my family and friends continue to support that part me and partly because my happiness depends on me continuing to manage Kalei’s death in that way. While events such as her death anniversary…..
It has been a very long time since I felt a new heart wound. That’s not to say I have not felt new sadness. The end of my first relationship in sixteen years hurt, but I did not let it traumatize me or make me give up on life. Rather it was that breakup that taught me how to properly differentiate between unimaginable grief pain and well, imaginable regular universe pain. The first one hurts so bad you want to rip open your chest and tear your heart out. It…..
Two years ago today Kalei’s Grandma Helen died — she was 88 years old. She had a good life. She had a long life. She was fortunate to be healthy for most of those 88 years. It was only in the past couple of years that she began to struggle. She wasn’t in pain, but ever so slowly her lungs were filling up with scar tissue which, in time, made breathing more and more difficult. Her illness did not really…..
One day my friend Sandy phoned and said, “Lorene, do you think there are similarities between the La–La Land chapter in your book and Hollywood’s movie La La Land (2016 Movie)? Maybe there is a blog in that answer.” “I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t seen the movie yet.” Meanwhile, my inside voice said, Dangit, now that the question has been asked I won’t be able to rest until I know if there is any synchronicity between the two. Arrrgh!…..
Well, it is Feb 10th and I am about to board a plane to Mexico…for the first time. I am looking forward to this new experience especially as I am going with Kalei’s Uncle John and Aunty Carol who I enjoy travelling with. We are heading to a small fishing village called Los Ayala. It is a popular winter vacation destination for so many Saskatchewan folks it is often referred to as Little Saskatchewan. While we were waiting to board…..
Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
Throughout my writing journey there have been periods of time I could not make myself write or edit a single word. Just the thought of sitting down at my computer made me cringe inside.Looking back I would guess this writing void (or maybe avoidance is a better word) happened about once every three or four years. Whether it was posting blogs on Kalei’s original website or the writing and editing of Forever Kalei’s Mom, sometimes I just couldn’t do it. It…..
Today is my little brother John’s 60th birthday! Kalei’s ‘Nuncle (that is what she called him folks) John and Aunty Carol live in Saskatchewan. They are grain farmers. Poor John, being born into a farming/ranching family and then becoming one himself, meant more often than not his birthday was smack dab in the middle of harvest. That meant no parties and often little or no time for birthday celebrations. That was not going to happen on his 60th! Conspiring with Aunty…..
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